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Sometimes people have such a problem.

Clearly, in the same situation, I can handle things very attentively to unfamiliar people, use the appropriate language, proper way, and get along with each other well, but I can’t help doing things that hurt people when I change to someone familiar with them.

“Why do i want to hurt people”

What is the reason and how to change it?

1. analysis from the perspective of interpersonal relationship level

Psychology believes that the more closely the relationship level, the more does not need “Politeness” to close the relationship or maintain feelings.

Explain simply the level of relationships.

An interpersonal relationship is a system radiating from the inside to the outside. An intimate relationship is the core relationship in our inner layer. For example, the relationship with family and lovers can be called a microsystem. Other external systems, such as relatives and friends, social relations, working relationships, etc., are radiated outward in turn.

The way we deal with different system relationships is different. The more we need to mobilize our defence to the external relationship, we can maintain it with the help of interpersonal function. Because the emotional intimacy of the external system is not stable, the emotional intimacy between us and our colleagues is not as good as the dead party, and the relationship with acquaintances is more secondary.

In external social relations, our emotional participation is low, and it is natural to use interpersonal skills and social masks to pull in distance and promote communication.

“Why do i want to hurt people”

When children were taught politeness as children, they often faced relatives and friends and neighbours, and these people were called “social relations”.

Few adults teach children to be polite to their mother, or grandparents. When eating, they ask their mother to move chopsticks first, and say hello to mom when they go home: Hello, I’m back. Or before sleeping, you should tell her: Mom, you are hard, please rest. I always think it’s weird.

Because parents and grandparents, these are “intimate relations”. Within the scope of an intimate relationship, the feelings are natural and do not need to be polite. Children and mothers cry, they want the sugar to eat with grandparents and play with dad. All of these are normal things.

In intimate relationships, we don’t need to pretend too much. People are relaxed and emotions are flowing“ Politeness is an external standard model, which is used to establish connections in the case of distant relatives, to realize friendly exchanges, and to further strengthen the relationship.

Generally speaking, the relationship that is not very close needs to be politely drawn close; The relationship between the upper and lower levels needs to be laid down, observe the needs of the other party and observe the basic rules. In relationships that cannot be freely played, we need to regulate behaviour and socialize politely according to the specific situation and location.

2. intimate relationships are more likely to be “wild”

In close relationships, our emotional security is higher, people are more relaxed, and the defence system naturally reduces the alert. More importantly, our desire for attention and our desire to be taken care of and understood will be released naturally, and our negative emotions will be released spontaneously.

In a secure relationship, we can be more easily angry and attack others because knowing that the other party is safe and will not be excessively retaliated against us like outsiders, that is, the lowest cost.

Similarly, in a secure relationship, our interpersonal boundary awareness will be reduced, that is, we do not regard each other as independent individuals, but as the object of our emotions and desires.

In an intimate relationship, you and I are the most easily separated, and many conflicts come from this “do not divide you and me”, which means that we can easily unconsciously project our thoughts and emotions on each other, guess each other according to our wishes, and regard our “inner play” as the reality in the relationship.

“Why do i want to hurt people”

But in the external relationship, our interpersonal boundary is relatively clear, and the projection degree will converge if we don’t regard each other as their own.

The reason why intimate relationship becomes the most serious disaster area of conflict is that we will not consciously project and ignore the real ideas of each other. We are more willing to believe that the other party knows what we think in our hearts and that we know our inner thoughts without saying more. The closer the relationship, the more that expectation will be.

If external relationships require us to “dress” as a defence, intimacy is more like undressing. We should wear clothes outside, even wear suits and ties, and put on formal clothes. People will speak differently from their manners. Dress implies our specific social image and needs image management.

An intimate relationship is more like taking off the suit and changing into the home clothes, even naked relative. After we take off our defence, our instincts and prototypes will naturally expand.

When I was a child, my mother would understand our special language and expression. She would guess whether we were unhappy, uncomfortable or ill by looking at our facial expressions and expressions, and then help us deal with the problems.

She understood the meaning of a baby, cared for the child without any reward. This is the archetype of an intimate relationship. We still have this subconscious desire: you are not others. Why can’t you be better to me and not better? I was wronged outside, and I must make up for it in front of you.

This is the desire of the inner child, the child wants to be loved and contained. 

But we still have adult functions in our hearts, that is, to understand the exchange principles in relationships. After growing up, we understand that there is no unconditional or unconditional demand in the relationship, and our payment and giving usually maintain a balance.

The exchange principle means: I treat you in the way I want to be treated. I hope to be respected, I will respect you; I hope to be kind, I will treat you well; I’m not only concerned with my needs, but also see your needs. I don’t think of you as an unlimited emotional ATM, just taking money and not saving.

So let’s talk about how to create a comfortable and supportive relationship atmosphere in a close relationship?

3. keep boundary awareness in close relationship

No matter how close the relationship is, you are you, I am me. We may be very similar, very committed, very good, very love, but we are not alone after all. Our thoughts are likely to be different, what we want are different, different personalities, different preferences, etc. how normal it is. We are not the shadow of each other, and the other is not our mirror.

01. do we think that is what we think?

Detect your projection, simple reality test principle: if you think things are like this, pause for a second before you lose temper or take action, ask the other person’s ideas.

For example, you go home from work and find litter piled on the floor of your home. It must be a bear child! You are so angry that you can roar with the force of the flood and famine. Ask a simple question: what is this?

Maybe bear kids will tell you what he is doing, making a “space fortress” in the spirit of scientific exploration, and then showing you his “results” – the piles of junk you see.

You have the chance to know that the trick you think is actually the “harvest” that the child excitedly shows you. Although your heart is roaring, when you give the child an opportunity to explain yourself, you will understand the significance of the pile of ragged children to the child, avoid the negative effect of a roar, and enhance the parent-child relationship.

While your heart is dripping blood, you can discuss in another way how to send the “space fortress” to the downstairs space trash transfer station without directly staging the interstellar war. Of course, it is also possible that the child just has a pile of garbage and an absent-minded way to escape responsibility. Then you can be free, no misunderstanding, no problem.

02. express your wishes, not requirements.

“Why are you so stupid? Why are you so lazy? Why don’t you help me? ” Such daily verbal accusations, in exchange for their own wishes, “I want you to help me see my homework, I want to do more exercises every day, I want you to practice with me?”

Desire and demand are different, desire is not compulsory, there is no sense of oppression. Desire does not require the other party to accept it, but when the other party feels no sense of oppression, there will be no hostility. When we express our wishes, the implied meaning is: it is my personal wish, but I respect your choice.

03. listen to the other party’s ideas and try to understand the communication mode of Ta

There are usually corresponding motivations behind our language and behaviour. Instead of pestering in words, we should listen to each other’s ideas, what our motives are, what are our purposes of communication.

What did you want? What do I want? When our motivation is similar, the misplacement of speech is no longer so important. Many times, what we say is out of touch with our inner thoughts, even contrary to each other. Mingming worried that he was not safe to go home too late. What you said was: how can you not count every time you speak? It is 8:00!

If the other party can understand that your motivation is concern and uneasiness, he may not be too concerned about your irony. The more you know a person, the more you understand his communication, that is, to say, understand what the emotion behind him expresses.

Many people are not used to expressing concern with affection. They may express their concern in a deliberate angry tone, hear “a voice outside the picture”, ignore details, and you will not be too harsh.

04. communication did not win or lose

People who can be called close relationships are our favourite relatives and friends, and there are not so many people.

When we pass through the trough of life and after the setbacks, we will understand how precious this emotion is, the sincere feelings between people, both rare and beautiful, are worth our heart to protect.

When you are struggling in the swamp of life, you have loved relatives and friends behind you, as your shield, as your social support network, and do not despise you when you fall, and accept you. This is our best gift.

When you understand that, I don’t think I need to explain why communication has not won or lose, because all our communication with relatives and friends is to be able to be better together.

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