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Our ability to express our emotions clearly comes from very complex operations within ourselves: first, we need to be able to feel our emotions; Of course, the real operation may be much more complicated than this, far from being done in a year, two, three, four.

“How to show affection—-why can’t we express our emotions with people who are close to us”

First, the ability to feel emotions: In fact, not everyone can clearly feel their emotions. In the course of psychological counseling, it is often seen that a person, in talking about some of the things he has experienced, in the process of listening to him, the consultant felt a very strong emotion, but the person himself seems to be talking about other people’s things as if nothing has anything to do with him. When a consultant goes to discuss with him what he feels in the course of his story, he tends to answer very rationally, “Nothing, it’s over anyway,” a phenomenon that often occurs in people who have experienced some major trauma. This is not entirely an event, but for the parties, it can be a very significant event at the emotional level.

“How to show affection—-why can’t we express our emotions with people who are close to us”

This situation arises because, when a major trauma event occurs, the person concerned, to help himself through the crisis, initiates a series of protective mechanisms within his or her body, the term psychoanalysis is called “defensive mechanism”. The role of the defense mechanism is to initiate measures to keep the person away from the hurtful experience, such as suppressing those unbearable emotions into the subconscious, so that the unconscious level will not feel the pain, in the feeling, will be much easier. In a person’s growth process, to cope with painful experiences, there will be a lot of emotions that are suppressed, only feel safe or grow to be able to face, these experiences will return to the level of consciousness, only back to the level of consciousness of emotion, can be re-experienced, re-faced, and repaired. This is also the reason why psychoanalysis is sometimes very painful in psychotherapy.

Of course, the content that is suppressed into the subconscious is not really non-existent but will affect every aspect of our lives at some time, such as a person who has experienced a lot of separation trauma from an early age, for fear of abandoning himself again for those who are important to himself, so he may perceive that important person as having nothing to do with himself, and the more important he is, the more he refuses to be intimate, and who will unconsciously do many things that destroy the relationship. His inability to express “I love you” at this time is that he has not yet felt the existence of strong love, or that the stronger the love, the less he is allowed to feel it.

Another possibility of not being able to feel emotions comes from growing up in an environment where people around him reject emotions, in which he has to suppress his emotional experiences and expressions because inconsistencies with the environment can put him under too much pressure. So, as he grows older, he may become a state of rejection of emotional experiences.

“How to show affection—-why can’t we express our emotions with people who are close to us”

Second, the ability to name feeling the earth’s emotions. Emotions are expressed on the premise that they need to be properly named, otherwise the emotions expressed are difficult to understand. The ability to name emotions comes from growing up in the mirror of the nurturer. For example, when a child is full, lying in her mother’s arms laughing, the mother will say “Oh, the baby is full, now so happy ah”, so the child in the mother’s mirror to learn that feeling is full and happy. However, if the mother’s function is missing, such as a depressed mother, she does not have the strength to interact with her children, the child just has to lie there alone every day, he feels everything every day, he can not distinguish, although he felt a lot, but can not express, can not be received by his parents, there is no way to learn to clearly distinguish these emotions, his expression will become difficult in the future.

Third, confidence in the expression of security. This often comes from the experience of growing up, and if a child is lucky enough to live in an atmosphere of equal respect, no matter what he thinks, his parents are open to allowing him to express themselves, and he is allowed to explore and be interested in what he says, rather than being busy correcting or blaming, he will be better able to express his emotional feelings as a safe thing, and he will be better able to express his feelings. If a child is unfortunate, the environment in which he grew up is restrictive and judgmental, and he becomes cautious when he says his feelings and thoughts because he doesn’t know what to say. To avoid uncomfortable experiences, he may slowly learn to put away his real thoughts, saying only what might be safe or even not expressing them. The lack of freedom of language function actually represents the limitation of inner self function.

Another situation is that when feelings about relationships are not safe enough, you cannot freely express your inner world, such as feelings of love that cannot be expressed or represent feelings of fear of losing love; These are all related to early growth experience. (See enclosure: “I love you” that cannot be said)

Fourth, choose the way of expression. Everyone expresses their feelings in a different way, some people use words, some people use action, some people use things, some people use art and so on. For many people, it is difficult to express the feelings of love or hate directly, because when we express love, it also means that we need each other, which makes us feel weak, which many people want to avoid feelings. And when we express love, we take risks and risk rejection. Therefore, the expression of love has become a difficult thing. And the expression of hate feelings, in our fantasy is a huge risk, such as punishment, such as abandonment and so on, for security reasons, many people choose not to express, or back expression, which will hinder smooth communication.

Sometimes we feel afraid to hurt each other, so some offensive words are afraid to say them directly. In fact, behind this fear, we can not bear offensive language, so the fear projected on the other side, we think that is to protect each other’s feelings, in fact, to protect ourselves from harmful experiences.

Only when we have enough security experiences of ourselves and our own strong enough security trust in our relationships will we be convinced that it is safe to express our feelings and to promote constructive development of our relationships, at which point we will be free to express ourselves and lead those around us to express themselves more freely.

The feeling of love is what we all look forward to because love is a thing that makes us feel physically and mentally happy and tongtai, but the expression of love is not something that everyone can do, because, in our feelings, the expression of love is often full of danger.

Admitting to love someone requires courage. Because when we love someone, it means that that person is important to us, and we need him. And this feeling of needing another person evokes a sense of weakness in our hearts and a lot of fear of loss. We can imagine how a weak baby once looked forward to the love from the mother, but a good mother can not meet all the expectations of the child. For a child so young, when his mother did not give him a timely response, perhaps, in his feelings, it was devastating. To avoid this sense of extinction, the baby may develop the ability not to feel that the mother is so important to himself so that when the mother can not give herself the satisfaction she needs in time, it does not take herself to pain.

We grow up with this fear of the object of strong need, and in our future lives, we may develop a variety of coping styles to avoid experiencing our inner needs for others and thus the pain of not being able to respond to what we expect. For example, like that aunt and his husband, complain to each other is not good enough, originally expected to use complaints in exchange for each other to pay more attention to themselves, but did not think that the other side may not be able to interpret the expectations behind the complaints, so the two sides into each other’s unacceptable situation.

Others, when they expect to build a loving relationship with each other, choose ways to get their own pain, such as making them sick, or trying to take care of each other, even at the expense of some of their own needs, to try to meet each other’s needs. In their imagination, I try to give for you, you will be better for me. But did not think that behind this pay, but also create the other side’s guilt, when the other side feels “I owe you” too much, he will be under great pressure, under this pressure, but will escape the relationship.

Others, when they experience their love and need for another person, choose to wonder if they have an illusion, and they cannot believe that the other person will have feelings of love for themselves, because he grew up lacking the experience of being loved. Even though he has clearly experienced the need for each other, he has to use a variety of reasons to urge him to give up the feeling of expressing love to the other person, because he is unable to determine his ability to get the other person’s love. Or, when he gets the emotion he expects, he can’t stabilize himself in that relationship, and once he feels a little bit of the danger that the other person might leave him, perhaps the danger is just his imagination, and he will leave the other side first to avoid the result of being abandoned by the other side, so that, on the emotional level, he holds the initiative of the relationship firmly in his own hands.

There are others, perhaps in the process of their growth, who get too much love from their parents, so much that he can not bear so much love pressure, so, whenever he experiences love, it is directly equated with the pressure. Therefore, in his life, there may be a very contradictory experience, on the one hand, he looks forward to feeling the love of the other side, on the other hand, when he really feels love, but also will be afraid of the other person’s love of emotion to destroy themselves, and thus lose themselves, so he may subconsciously escape.

Of course, avoid the feelings of love, the way is far more than the above, these ways, as if we feel love, first to draw love makeup to dare to face, otherwise when we face it, we first become very anxious. This aspect is related to our culture, in China’s traditional culture, love words can not be easily said, love expression, often linked with frivolous and pornography, so, even between relatives, the expression of love feelings, but also more will be used in some more indirect ways, such as to love people to buy gifts, or cook food, but it is difficult to solemnly tell each other “I love you.” Nature, on the other hand, is the pressure our desire for love brings us.

When we love someone, we expect to have more connections and even integration with each other, which can sometimes become a source of stress for us. Love for the opposite sex, for example, may awaken the frustration of our early desire for heterosexual parents. When we were three or five years old, we discovered that in this world, mom and dad had a very special intimacy, and we wanted to have that kind of intimacy, so we developed a desire for our heterosexual parents. This desire scares us because it also means that we have to compete with same-sex parents, and whatever the outcome of that competition, we are doomed to suffer: win, be punished by same-sex parents, lose, suffer defeat. So when we express love for the opposite sex, this complex emotion is awakened at the same time, and success and failure make us feel anxious, so in order to avoid this anxiety, we tend to choose less direct expressions.

Expressing love for the same sex also makes us feel uneasy, because it also awakens our homophobic anxiety, even though friendship is the sublimation of gay anxiety, and the reason we can accept it after sublimation is to solve our own fears.

So, in this world, to express “I love you” is really difficult. If we can develop the ability of free expression, I am afraid that only understanding and understanding, understanding the diversity and privacy of human nature this way is a good way to go.

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