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Giving up a relationship is not an easy thing, for people in bad relationships, it is sometimes difficult to make a clear distinction between what went wrong, whether the other side did the wrong thing, their own painful relationship, in the end, there is no possibility of improvement.If it is parents, relatives, important friends, important teachers and superiors who make us feel pain, it will make it easier for us to make choices, to help ourselves feel a little more relaxed, it is easy to use “denial”, “suppression”, “rationalization” and other ways to refuse to face the pain in the relationship, these ways may help us to get temporary ease, but in fact, if the harm in the relationship may not be recognized, not rejected, it may continue to occur, Face this continuing injury, the impact on a person, can be very serious.

“Leaving a bad relationship”

One of the realities we have to face is that those who live around us do have a variety of pathological tissues in their personalities. It can be said that each of us personality has psychotic personality organizations, these organizations and health organizations are living next to each other, but usually, an adult growing up slowly learned to adapt to the requirements of socialization so that you can manage those pathological parts, but once experienced a certain stimulus, those pathological parts will be activated, it is possible to hurt people, but their bad state is not the norm, This is the state (neurotic level) that most of us around us have. At the same time, there is also a part of people, their personality in the pathological organization accounted for a large proportion, they do have the ability to make people pain, but they may also have a very powerful ability to convince the other side that the problem is the other side, is someone else, not himself (personality disorder level), which is the most difficult for ordinary people to identify and distinguish the crowd. As for those who reach the psychiatric level, because they are too far from normal, for the average person, it is easy to identify.

“Leaving a bad relationship”

So this is a reality that we have to face up to: at some point in our lives, injury is real existence. The reason to emphasize that injury is real is that our culture, for many people, has been trying to avoid the real existence of harm to create some illusion of peace, to avoid the face of the pain after being hurt, but also to avoid the conflict that may be caused by refusing to hurt, such as “he is my family, can not hurt me, he just kindly did bad things.” Perhaps such comfort can make the person feel as little pain as possible, but in this way, there is great harm, is that the injured person is not protected, the impact of the injury may last for life.

I once heard a man say, “I know you’re hurt, so why don’t you try to improve, try to make the other person treat you well, and choose to give up?” Giving up is your inequity! ”

But sometimes the opposite is true, giving up may require more courage and more determination than persistence. Because when a person finally gives up a relationship, at least some important skills are needed: the ability to recognize injuries, the ability to distinguish between pain makers, the ability to believe in oneself, the ability to endure loneliness, the ability to absorb the pressure exerted by the abuser, and so on.

Ability to recognize injuries: It’s not easy for people who have been living in control and abused to realize that they’ve been hurt. In my own clinical work, it is common for visitors to report only that they feel pain, but blame often points to myself, and when I go to name his painful experiences and tell him that the process he has been through is an abuse, it often triggers a very surprised expression, or very strong resistance.

“Leaving a bad relationship”

This is actually very common in abusive relationships, where abusers tend to distort the facts and describe their hurt hurting behaviour as being good for the abused person, which can confuse within the abused person, especially the child who has been abused at an early age, and who grows up unable to tell whether he or she has been hurt or is not good enough. If a person can not distinguish whether they are hurt, also do not know whether they have the right to protect themselves, the other is even more impossible to talk about.

The ability to distinguish between pain makers: A person who grew up in an environment where his feelings were denied, even when he grew up, had a hard time trusting his true feelings. A child who was told from an early age that “you’re not good, that’s why I hit you” grows up to believe that all his pain comes from not being good enough and that those who hurt are right. If a person can not recognize the other person’s injury behaviour, it is impossible to talk about the rejection of the harmful behaviour, and the result of enduring the injury is likely to be to point all the attacks at themselves and pay the price of physical illness. 

Believe in your own abilities: this is actually related to the first two abilities, many times, when we have enough independent self-function, but also have the ability to distinguish the other side’s harmful behaviour, but support their own harmful behaviour to refuse is not easy because the abuser will not be so easy to let go, they will make a double effort to pull the abuser back to the original track, the abuser may use a lot of bad accusations to control people trying to get rid of harm, Unless the injured person has very full trust in himself (in fact, it is very difficult for those who live under abuse to have this ability) and believes that it is the right choice to reject the other person’s harm, it is easy to be controlled by the other person’s accusations, to feel guilty or self-blame, and to return to the track of the past.

The essence of abuse is absolute control, so when the abused person begins to develop the ability of self-confidence and independence, it also strongly provokes the abuser, who will try to regain control with double the tyranny. So if the injured person can not fully trust themselves, it is easy to be re-controlled by the other side.

The ability to endure loneliness: The first person to wake up in a morbid environment (whether working or family) is under a lot of stress, because when everyone is running on an abusive track, if a person suddenly wakes up and says, “This is not right”, it not only provokes the abuser, but also activates intense anxiety for the rest of the track, because closing your eyes can also cajole himself into the peace of mind, and you have to keep his eyes open to the real danger.

So the first person to wake up had to endure the hardships of going it alone, and it was very hard to compete with very strong inertia. For a pathological family to operate, it may take several generations of efforts to make a difference, and the earliest awakened person may be convicted as a traitor or sinner of the family and be attacked by many parties. Of course, it is especially important at this time, if a person and such powerful inertia can not compete, you can also choose to give up, alone away from that pathological track, so that at least to protect their offspring to reduce the disease pollution, that is, reduce the pathological intergenerational transmission.

Of course, all of the things I mentioned earlier are based on the assumption that the person who gives up the hurt relationship is a healthy enough person, and if the person himself has a lot of paranoid, narcissistic personality organizations, he is likely to feel that all the bad is in others, then there is no way to talk about what was said earlier. The first step is treatment, and it’s only after you’ve developed the ability to really feel a relationship with others that you can accomplish the lessons you mentioned earlier.

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