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Not every couple in love is perfect.

In many cases, people will find that the other half is not so suitable, in this relationship is not so happy, but they still maintain the relationship.

Why is that?

“Leaving a bad relationship—-what do we really lose when a relationship breaks down?”

There are many reasons not to break up, in addition to the surface reasons (such as weighing the benefits of gain and loss), behind the fact that there is a deep-seated, everyone will have a psychological motivation.

We all have an “inertia” and we are more willing to maintain the status quo than to make changes. This tendency will keep us moving in the same direction.

Psychologists refer to this “inertia” as “status quo bias”: even if things are bad at the moment, we subjectively think that maintaining the status quo is a better option. This bias can even be passed on from generation to generation, such as adulthood, leaving parents, and, although dissatisfied with the way parents are educated, they still use the way parents teach to communicate.

From a social point of view, the “inertia” of this behaviour may make people more united and stable.

So what does breaking this “inertia” mean for us? 

“Leaving a bad relationship—-what do we really lose when a relationship breaks down?”


Breaking up means breaking up the concept of self

In 2020, Cope and Mattingly published a study on relationship break-ups in the journal Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Breaking up, whether with a lover or a friend, is painful.

Because breaking up can be accompanied by a strong psychological response: unimpressively imagining in our thoughts the happy picture of TA with someone else, and at the same time, we lose an important part of our lives and an intimate person.

Losing a relationship, in a sense, is like losing a part of yourself – at least it feels like it is, and that loss can threaten our perception of ourselves and thus lose ourselves.

Cope and Mattingly explain:

When we walk into an intimate relationship, we are infected by some of the ideas or characteristics of TA. We share our part, and may even participate in things we didn’t like or have experienced before, and explore new things and experiences together. As time progresses, our understanding of ourselves, whether it’s recalling the past or thinking about the future, will become more and more TA-related, developing self-cognitive interdependence with our partners.

In a healthy relationship, proper interdependence in self-perception can make two people feel closer and more suitable for the development of the relationship, and will also help a person to know themselves and grow up on their own. But this self-awareness and growth are partly based on a partner’s personality and self-awareness.

Generally speaking, when an individual loses his or her understanding of himself (what kind of person am I?). TA may feel depressed and may even develop a tendency to depress. The researchers hypothesized that this lack of self-awareness will gradually be patched up after we find a new self.

Whether a person has sound self-awareness may be related to attachment style.

Individuals who avoid attachment styles maintain a greater sense of distance from their partners while avoiding further intimacy. So when they break up, they get away quickly, but anxious attachment individuals are eager to stay close to their partners, and they avoid separation at all costs and be alert to any threats that could damage the relationship. Individuals of this type of attachment are more self-aware and more likely to be influenced by their partners.

“Leaving a bad relationship—-what do we really lose when a relationship breaks down?”



How important is self-awareness in dealing with breakups?

Cope and Mattingly explore attachment style, self-awareness, and acceptance of breakups. They recruited 181 volunteers to investigate their knowledge of the previous relationship, and 180 volunteers who were in a relationship to investigate their perceptions of the current relationship.

The volunteers were about 30 to 40 years old.

For both groups of volunteers, the researchers used intimacy experience questionnaires to investigate attachment styles, self-perception questionnaires and self-perception questionnaires, and asked them whether they had been seeking to rekindle sparks or re-establish good relations in their relationships.

The researchers found that individuals with anxious attachment had a stronger desire to mend their previous relationships, and that self-perception was hit harder when they parted ways. Conversely, people with weak self-awareness tend to want to get better after a breakup. But people react differently to investigating past and present intimacy. If the break-up is a thing of the past, then the willingness of people who are attached to anxiety to compound will not be so strong. At the same time, for individuals with low self-awareness, the stronger the attachment anxiety, the greater the compound desire.

Self-awareness can play a critical role when we evaluate an intimate relationship and even make important decisions in it. This role is especially important for people who are attached to anxiety, and even the relationship itself has become the spiritual backbone of themself.

Among other important factors that hinder break-ups, such as sunk costs, inertia and social stress, the role of self-awareness cannot be underestimated: especially when TA’s intimacy is broken, but they are still reluctant to let go because once they lose it, they lose themselves.

For a truly satisfying and healthy relationship, self-cognitive interdependence and interaction can deepen mutual understanding, and maintaining each other’s independence when they have commonality can lead to two-way help and growth.

But when a relationship is unjustified, or not even worth continuing, making a change is the first reaction. But people who are attached to anxiety are acutely aware that breaking up can make them lose themselves and their sense of security, so they choose to continue the relationship.

3 What should we do when we are too dependent on each other to say goodbye?

As long as you perceive that you are too dependent, stuck in a relationship, or even lost in yourself, it is critical to be proactive in solving problems and making changes.

Every break-up is a major change in emotional life, and this unhealthy change can lead to confusion, helplessness, and the loneliness that comes with it – fear and fear that is normal and real. However, when we pay too much attention to the impact of TA’s departure, we feel that we are missing a piece and becoming incomplete.

This “break-up after-effect” can happen to many people, and when we realize it, we should react quickly before making irrational decisions. Keep this in mind: we leave a relationship that is not worth continuing for us to grow better, but back in that relationship, we will not get better. This “can’t think” break-up will gradually erode our perception of ourselves.

The end of an intimate relationship is often painful and a blow to the self. Some people break up and feel that they are no longer who they used to be, and others feel that they will not be loved. In particular, individuals who are attached to anxiety tend to be more complex, thus patching up the sense of self-loss after a breakup, and then cycle back and forth. Even if compounding can temporarily make them feel like they’re back, they don’t continue to grow in the long run;

written at the end

Boundaries are needed between individuals, and each individual is unique. When we place our self-worth and awareness entirely on another person, we gradually lose our ability to think and grow independently. This mutual “companionship” does not eliminate loneliness.

And true understanding and support come from the regret of two independent souls.

Recommended reading:

1.Get ex boyfriend back—-what should girls pay attention to when they meet their ex boyfriends

2.Get ex boyfriend back—-how did you get your ex back after the breakup

3.Get ex boyfriend back—-after breaking up, the girl recovers her ex boyfriend’s routine

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