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Recently, I revisited an old film, “Bitter Moon”, which has a lot of attractive gimmicks, abuse, the nature of love, erythema … What I felt most intuitively and profoundly after reading was that it was a great collection of all forms of abuse.

Mimi, the hostess, is beautiful, and after she meets Oscar, she loves to die and live, as if there is only one other in the world. But when the fire of lust burned out, Oscar began to get bored, so the abuse and torture began…

“Leaving a bad relationship—-once you find that your boyfriend has these three symptoms, run away”

Oscar began to do all kinds of harm to Mimi, he no longer considered Mimi’s feelings, Mimi as a babysitter; he openly played with other women, let Mimi watch; Mimi pregnant, he asked for an abortion…

Under such torture, the beautiful girl became old and shy, without the spirit and charm of the past. But even so, Mimi refused to leave, even arguing that it was her fault that things had turned out like this. 

While I was angry, I was also thinking about a question: “Why do some people who are deeply hurt in a relationship still choose not to leave?” 」

Today, let’s talk about “girls can’t leave bad relationships.”

“Leaving a bad relationship—-once you find that your boyfriend has these three symptoms, run away”

The best way to emotional blackmail – guilt

An important reason that victims can’t live without is that they may be trapped in “emotional blackmail”, under the guidance of the other side to produce self-blame and guilt, so as not to defy the idea of blackmailers, only to obey.

“Emotional blackmail” is often dressed in a friendly, considerate cloak so that you can’t even recognize it as an injury.

Many emotional blackmailers, under the banner of “care” and “I am good for you”, are actually manipulating your guilt to meet his needs and keep you from him.

For example, “I work for you to get up early and be greedy, to make you happy in the future, why can’t you sacrifice a little and listen to me?” Why did you leave me? 」

This is a typical “guilt guidance”, first show their vulnerability, and then a turn of words, their own pain, responsibility to the other side, triggering the other side’s guilt.

He seemed to be saying, “Everything I do is for your own good, I’ve made so many sacrifices, but you don’t understand me, and you even have the idea of leaving me. 

In such a violent attack, the victim may well know that the other side is not justified, but still feel guilty, and then continue to stay with him in pain.

There is also an extreme “guilt-induced” approach in which emotional blackmailers threaten each other through “self-abuse” and force the victim to stay with him.

Guilt, to a certain extent, is a valuable sense of morality, guilt makes us willing to reflect on our own behaviour, not to do too much harm to others. But some people use it as a weapon, using the kindness and compassion of others to control others, which is really chilling and speeding.

Therefore, identifying the emotional blackmail of “guilt-guided” behaviour is an important step away from harmful intimacy.

Seduce you first, and then demean you into the dust

The terrible thing about emotional manipulation is that it disrupts the victim’s self-esteem.

They may:

Try your bottom line and let you follow their ideas step by step.

Infinitely amplify your shortcomings and make you look like the abnormal one.

Belittle your strengths and make you feel like you’re nothing.

Never give you enough attention to start suffering.

The qualities you once liked most often turn into intolerable mistakes later on.

It’s all about making you slowly believe that you can’t control your life and that you can only survive by relying on them.

Moreover, many manipulators also try to isolate the victim, leaving him alone in the victim’s world. They may make victims dependent on them, thereby actively reducing social interaction, or be aggressive in interfering with the victim’s social activities, such as banning him or her from chatting with the opposite sex, going home as soon as he or she leaves work, and so on.

As a result, the victims’ own worlds were “emptied”, and their only source of information was the “unsymonsmic” manipulators. The victims lost the support of friends and family, and because they were isolated and unable to regain their sense of identity, over time, they had to lose themselves and move.

Cognitive coordination theory: self-deception by victims

One reason many people struggle to get out of an entangled relationship is that they don’t want to admit that they made a mistake.

There is a theory in social psychology called cognitive coordination. That is, I will observe my behaviour and give me a reasonable explanation of my behaviour so that my behaviour and cognition are in harmony.

When we give more to a person, our actions deepen the motivations behind them. That is to say, when we repeatedly pay in the feelings, recovery, no matter how the other party feedback, we will do a reasonable explanation for their own behaviour, must be because he is worth it, so I pay so much.

Also, we need to maintain a coordinated image of ourselves. When we have to face our own choices, we need to admit that we were really stupid and that it is conflicting to admit our mistakes and maintain our image.

Here I would like to state that the inability to break up because of the maintenance of cognitive coordination does not mean that “victims live”, on the contrary, that everyone has an irrational side, and that this is even a survival strategy they are adopting at the time, and that the wrong one is not the victim, but the victim who uses it for deliberate manipulation.

But on the other hand, as victims, in addition to accepting and healing suffering, we should encourage ourselves to take responsibility for change.

What if I can’t get out of a bad relationship?

Maybe it’s hard, but please believe that it’s not wrong for you to go through this, it’s probably because you’re kind and compassionate that you’re being exploited and hurt by someone who has a heart.

You have to remember:

“I am irreplaceable and precious. 」

“I do things to make myself happy. 」

“I can stand his anger, I can stand the feelings that hurt him. 」

The third applies in particular to girls who are “induced by guilt” and constantly meddle “I can stand” when the other person is putting pressure on you again, a constant psychological cue that can enter your consciousness and subconscious and help you resist the other person’s control.

Also, actively seek outside help. Remember that you are not alone, seek the help of trusted friends and family, and, if necessary, from psychological professionals and the police, we are all here.

Recommended reading:

1.Get ex boyfriend back—-what should girls pay attention to when they meet their ex boyfriends

2.Get ex boyfriend back—-how did you get your ex back after the breakup

3.Get ex boyfriend back—-after breaking up, the girl recovers her ex boyfriend’s routine

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