Karpman Kappman, an American psychologist, found that everyone had a triangular drama in their hearts: Victim Victims, Rescuer saviours, Persecutor Persecutor Persecutors. From earlier, we would switch between these three roles, and when you play one of them, you unconsciously play the corresponding role to maintain the balance of the triangle. This psychological drama plays out in the hearts of each of us, every day in our lives, perhaps you never realize it.
“My boyfriend is being distant”
The victim’s mentality is subconsciously giving up on himself. Because once you put yourself in the role of “victim”, your happiness and happiness are in the hands of others but also means that no responsibility, encounter misfortune to put the responsibility and reason on some external people, so complain about people, blame others. The victim’s mentality in the intimate relationship broke up, they think it is the predecessor’s fault, is the predecessor does not love themselves, they are not wrong, and then their own full of grievances, this is the victim’s mentality! However, in the recovery, this kind of victim mentality not only can not help you to save your predecessor but like a paid fire, resulting in more and more fire, more and more difficult to recover. What is the performance of the victim’s mentality in the recovery process:
2. Push the reason for the break-up directly to the other party, accusing the other party of being ruthless and senseless.
3. In the recovery, feel unfair to themselves, pay more than the other side, their own more losses.
“My boyfriend is being distant”
In fact, this series of behaviour, essentially showing that you are a weak person, is a victim, because the truly powerful people will not have the above performance, only the inner fragile person, will habitually blame others. Therefore, if in the process of recovery, once put themselves in the position of the victim, is in the recovery is useless, and sometimes maybe counterproductive.
We need to know the fact that: a relationship to the end of the break-up, both people can not escape their responsibility. But the core idea of the victim’s mentality is: I’m right, everything is someone else’s fault. Say, do things, are to explain to others that they are very wrong, very wrong. But in the view of the rescue party, this idea is hopeless, why the predecessor broke up with you, is not your problem, he felt that he can not stand, so to break up. But in the process of recovery, you do not reflect on their own problems, but also blame the problem on the other side of the body, say how the other side of the love, how not to consider your feelings. What do you think the redeemed party would think in this state? So down who can stand, do not say to save success, perhaps the next second he will black you, this is also a lot of times, why you save, the other side but fled the farther the reason?
To recover success, the most important thing is to abandon their own “victim psychology”, adjust their mentality, objective analysis of the reasons for the break-up, to grasp the rhythm of the entire recovery process.
In the book Emotional First Aid, the author notes that we have long been stuck in painful memories and confiding. Maybe it’s because we’re using a self-immersive perspective. We feel that our suffering is unique and unique in the world, and we complain that the problem is difficult to solve. But if we think differently and imagine that we are a friend of yours when he has a victim mentality in the process of recovery, you know this is not right, then how should you persuade him and comfort her? It’s called, bystanders clear, the authorities are obsessed, you have to think of yourself as an outsider, think differently to solve this matter, rather than put yourself in a victim’s position. If you learn to think differently, you can make good use of your pain and imagine that it’s happening to another person, and your victim’s mentality will be greatly improved.
There is a psychological experiment, which is to ask everyone not to think of a certain thing in a short period of time. But as a result, everyone will think very often about that thing they don’t want to think about during the next test. In fact, this experiment tells us a result: the more you remind yourself not to think about things, the easier it is to think, constantly remind yourself will be counterproductive. But if we divert attention, for example, when everyone is thinking, suddenly something diverts attention, people will be attracted to this thing, will forget for a short time what they have been thinking. So, distraction, in a short period of time does not remind you of an effective thing. So if you’ve been controlled by the victim’s mentality in your recovery, learn to distract yourself, and you can try different distractions, such as exercise, finding things to do, watching movies, and so on. Although the cure is not the cure when they calm down, they will be controlled by some kind of emotion, but it is definitely worth trying. Distraction is like a drug, a short time can help you reduce pain, but also valuable.
To put it another way, even if you’re the victim, you’re really not at all wrong, but you’ve broken up, so what you can do in the process of recovery is take responsibility for yourself. You can choose to keep the victim’s mentality in the process of recovery, and your relationship will get worse as a result, or you can take responsibility for facing up to the fact that you broke up and try to change, and your relationship will ease and eventually remnant. In the process of recovery, the most taboo is to use the victim’s mentality aggressively, step by step, do not say “I am so so…, how do you …”. Remember, it’s more important than anything to put yourself on a horse and put each other on the horse.
l Rebuild the support system
In recovery when you fall into the victim’s mentality, you will be in a rather bad state with your recovery object, but if you slowly figure out, no longer think you are a victim, you need to re-face your recovery object in a new state, and then recognize. You can properly apologize to him, admit your mistakes, and when the victim’s psychology disappears, the victim disappears. When the victim’s mind disappears, your recovery can get back on track. Because the only thing that can be responsible for our lives, only ourselves, pain and happiness, is their choice, and no one has anything to do with it.
In fact, to save the predecessor, not only to abandon the victim mentality but also to establish the right mentality, because only by establishing the right mentality, to let you in the process of recovery safely lost:
1, recognize the facts, clear position
In the process of recovery, you must recognize the facts, clear their position, you have broken up, no longer a relationship. Many people easily in the process of recovery can not tell their relationship with the object, continue to live as a partner, make some anachronistic actions, so that the other side feel disgusted, disgusted, resulting in increased difficulty of recovery. So, after the break-up, even if your idea of recovery is very strong, please recognize the reality, you are no longer a male and female friends, the more you use your partner’s identity and each other, the more tired he is of you. What we have to do is to pull ourselves out first, with the identity of ordinary friends to get along, correct their position, this is the basic mentality that should be there when saving.
2, have a winning mentality
Believe in your own choices, believe that your efforts will be returned to your love. Don’t because the other party may hesitate not to give you a timely response, you complain about yourself, and don’t because the other party may not want to compound and break with you, you deny yourself. In any case, you can’t lose heart until you’ve worked hard to save love. Because this time may also be in a period of hesitation, he will also be based on your reaction and behaviour to determine your next relationship, the less confident you will give him a hint, even if you compound, you will break up again. You can often encourage yourself and make this a habit, and over time you will find that faith can help you recover. And then put in real action and effort.
3, a stable state of mind
Many people can easily fall into an extreme mood after a breakup, making it impossible to make a correct judgment about your current situation in the process of recovery, thus worsening your relationship. For example, Girl B keeps in touch after breaking up with her boyfriend. One day B is very common to express concern to the other side, but the other side’s answer is very common, so the first reaction in B is that the other side said such a thing to show that they feel careless, do more business, is impatient with themselves. So think of breaking up before, is it because the spirit has already split? Has the other side been eyeing other girls for a long time? So, B began to ask the boys the bottom, lost his temper, and finally was ruthlessly blacked out. So it’s important to maintain a stable mindset during the recovery period. When you are over-emotionally controlled, a lot of language and expression are misinterpreted, creating another layer of meaning. If you understand each other in a misinterpreted way, it will only make two people go further and further. The more in the moment of recovery, the calmer, not to guess, which is not good for the relationship repair at all.
4, inclusive heart
Many people in the break-up, habitually shirk the responsibility, think that the quarrel in love, none of the other side’s fault. Now that you have broken up, it means that the previous thing has been turned over, then in the process of recovery, do not care who is right and who is wrong, in fact, the break-up of both sides are responsible. Then this time, you should objectively analyze the reasons for your break-up, self-reflection. In this relationship, do you feel bad about yourself? Is the attitude negative? Do you shirk your responsibilities? For each other’s shortcomings and mistakes should be given tolerance, if you think about the emotional question of who is right and who is wrong, in this state of compounding, will eventually break up the end. In fact, to include each other is to accommodate themselves, excessive demand is to make fun of their own happiness. No one is perfect, to accommodate each other’s shortcomings and mistakes. Besides, we’ve broken up, and don’t ask who’s right and who’s wrong.
Hemingway said: “Life always makes us all over the body, but then, those injured places will become our strongest place.” “Your life has begun to roll into the abyss of pain when you are always in a victim’s state of mind waiting for someone else to sympathize and take care of you.” Therefore, if you want better love and life, don’t let yourself be held back by the “victim mentality”, but choose to live a positive life and move forward bravely. Even if you’ve been a victim, you have to try not to be a victim forever, and pain doesn’t make us grow, but it’s those who face it right. Because no one has the obligation to make you live once and for all, and there is no perfect environment to allow you to stay comfortable all the time.
Finally, remember! Everyone has the ability to control themselves and self-control, do not think of themselves as victims. Recovery is the test of love, but after success, we will become more powerful.