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I can’t help wondering how those who have a long and happy marriage run it. It wasn’t until I learned the story of one of Japan’s sweetest old couples that I realized what kind of relationship can be called “happiness”. There is an idyllic cabin in the Japanese city of Chunyue. After the front room, there are cherries, strawberries, plums, grapefruit and other fruit trees, cabbage, eggplant, cucumbers, tomatoes and other vegetables, a total of 180 trees, more than 50 kinds of fruits, more than 70 kinds of vegetables … All year round, self-sufficient, and this is the home of 90-year-old Shui and 87-year-old Yingzi. Cherry trees have been planted for 40 years and are full of fruit. Yingzi is an ordinary housewife. After 65 years of marriage, they grow vegetables, fertilize, dig potatoes, dig bamboo shoots, pick cherries, cook… Life is bland and trivial, but also write their own life as a collection of essays – “Tomorrow is also a small spring day and.” Grandmother Yingzi happily picked the cucumbers Director Fu Yuanjian’s three Gu Maoxuan, only to be allowed to make their daily life into a documentary – “The Fruit of Life”. “There weren’t any ‘wonderful’ footage throughout the shoot,” he said. However, in the pods, nearly 30,000 people scored a high of 9.6. The comment area repeated a sentence: This is my yearning for marriage life ah. Many people think that their marriage is so happy, there must be a lot in common?

“Most attractive qualities in a woman—–what is the most important thing in a relationship?”

In fact, the two men are completely different personalities.

1 Relationship between the sexes: respect, and accept each other and their own different one and English in the habits of life, completely different. Xiu one loves potatoes, while Yingzi hates potatoes the most. As soon as she heard about the potatoes, she was full, but she changed her ways to cook all kinds of dishes with potatoes for him to eat. Xiu one loves to eat traditional Japanese breakfast, but Yingzi loves to eat Western breakfast. So she made two kinds of breakfast every day. Fix a Japanese sea moss rice, she eats Western bread with homemade jam, each eats their favourite breakfast.

Yingzi prepares two different breakfasts every day, repair one does not like to eat vegetables, Yingzi does not force him to eat. Instead, the fruits and vegetables are juiced and the colour taste changes day by day. “My biggest wish for cooking is to hear him say ‘delicious’, ” Yingzi said. And every time I eat a meal made by Yingzi, I immediately praise it and say, “It’s delicious. ” Yingzi would shyly respond: “This compliment makes me happy.” In fact, Yingzi just married will not do housework, cooking is not delicious, but every repair will silently eat clean, never complain that she can not cook. For more than 60 years, Xiu has not forced Yingzi to change his way of life, nor has he forced himself to like it. Repair a careful work, like finishing, everything according to colour, size classification, placed in a fixed position. Clean up your home and be organized. And Yingzi does not do things carefully enough, memory is not good, such as forgetting to turn off the gas, forget to turn off the tap.

I don’t blame her, but I’ll leave a message reminding her. The gas stove says, “It’s on, don’t forget.” The washing machine says, “Washing, don’t forget.” When Yingzi sees it, he will know the problem. Yingzi from a young age, especially likes to buy a variety of tableware, although has bought a lot, the next time I see like or can’t help but buy, collect. Shu one always said: Buy it. Yingzi sighed: “Shu one has never interfered with my freedom, and now in retrospect, I want to do what, want to buy anything, he is by me.” It’s very rare. “They can all do it without grudging each other because they all know that there are unpleasant things about each other. But it doesn’t matter, I allow you to have shortcomings and respect your imperfections. We have the amount of business, can change, can not change, I understand you, and strive to adapt to you. Unlike Yingzi and Xiu, many people have an ideal partner standard in their hearts. And this, often, is the source of contradictions. Because they tend to think, “He’s not what I thought he was, that’s not what I wanted.” Intimacy mentions that we fall in love with someone because the motivation behind starting and maintaining an intimate relationship is to meet our unseeded needs. We seek or attract others to be our partners because we need to accompany, care for, understand, support, accept, touch and embrace… Once you find that your partner can’t satisfy yourself, you want to “control” your partner through a power struggle and “transform” him into what you expect. In this way, will only make each other more and more tired, never satisfied. But know that we can never marry a perfect person. Only in the long and trivial days, in the discovery of the shortcomings of the partner, we respect each other, cooperate, slowly close to a better state of life. In this way, it will not be because of marriage only to find that this person is all wrong, sad to scratch the ear. As He said in the face of Yingzi’s shortcomings: “She is such a person, I knew when I married her.”

“Most attractive qualities in a woman—–what is the most important thing in a relationship?”

Yingzi made pudding cake

2 relationships: mutual support good marriage, partners are always each other’s best comrades, in each other’s life’s most important things, always stand up to you to the end. Before marriage, Yingzi was the only child of a 200-year-old sake brewery. And Xiu one is a poor boy, wearing linen made of wrinkled pants, grass shoes. When they first got married, they had no money at all. Suddenly one day, when the monthly salary of 40,000 yen repair one, said to Yingzi want to buy a sailboat. Although Yingzi knew it was hard, he said, “I felt very calmly that I had to think of away.” To solve the problem of insufficient money, she hid from the pawn line, pawned all her uniforms. Until he was 83 years old and still planning to go to sea at the age of 88, Yingzi did not object.

Yingzi to buy a sailboat for repair, is hidden from him to pawn business in the face of major decisions in work and life, but also often asks Yingzi’s opinion: “Do you think it is okay to do this?” And Yingzi would always tell him, “That’s a good thing. You do it. ”

“Most attractive qualities in a woman—–what is the most important thing in a relationship?”

Even though the most persistent architectural design philosophy was opposed by all his colleagues, Yingzi was the one who always supported him. At the same time, Xiu one also directly supports Yingzi. In those days, Yingzi was tended to smile all the time, work hard, and take care of her family. She never dared to resist in the face of things she didn’t like. She can’t speak freely until she is married to Xiu. Because every time she does whatever she wants, she says, “Of course, that sounds great.” So she did a lot of things she wanted to do, not go to work, choose to be a housewife, learn to cook and study food and enjoy taking care of one. She and Xiu said that they had an idyllic dream, after retirement, Shu bought a piece of land, and she slowly built their own pastoral home. Marriage is not the whole of their lives, but their own career, hobbies, ideals, in such a supportive relationship, both sides have lived their own lives. In the end, it became a better self. Christopher Meng gives the answer in Intimate Relationships: “What we need is a partner who encourages us to transcend ourselves, and we are looking for relationships that inspire meaning and direction in life and help us when we are tested, which is “soul relationships.” Because the real purpose of an intimate relationship is not to give and receive love for each other but to set you on a journey to find who you really are, to let you know that you are the love you have been looking for. 03 Relationships: I love you, but we are all equal, free Q: Why do many Chinese intimate relationships feel suffocated?

Because they are too close to allow private space. Without private space, it is equivalent to not owning your own psychological space. The way Xiu and Yingzi maintain each other’s private spaces is special – write message boards. At home and in every corner of the garden, there are yellow message boards made of repairs everywhere. No matter what happens, they never blame each other. Yingzi often forgets to turn off the tap, repair a see, will be written on the message board: “The water is not closed, where?” Yingzi saw the response: “I’m sorry, not for example.” The low branches read “Please note! It’s going to hurt! “Remind Yingzi to be careful not to touch his head. “Be careful to hit your head, it will hurt Oh” When you do farm work, if you need to repair a help, Yingzi will be in the field to turn over the earth inserted a message board “Please help me turn over the earth.” Repair a see will go to work, after the completion of a piece of “finished”, “Yingzi long wait” such a message board. Repair one and Yingzi’s message board communication mode, avoid positive conflict, write out dissatisfaction, give each other to face and digest the problem of time and space, ease the mood. “It’s for each other’s private space, and couples can’t go without their own private space. With small notes, advice and suggestions, will not feel awkward. Private spaces, our respective circles of work, friends, hobbies, and our feelings of dissatisfaction, anger, shame, guilt, pride, etc. So, fix a kitchen that doesn’t break into Yingzi and interferes with her cooking. Repair a day to write 10 letters to maintain contact with friends, Yingzi also never disturbed him. They allow each other to have their own space to do what they like. Sometimes Yingzi is digging potatoes alone, sometimes repairing a person digging bamboo shoots, sometimes two people picking cherries together. They can live together or separate.

In the private space, we can not only do what we like, digest their emotions, but also give and feel each other’s understanding and understanding. Repair a dig into large bamboo shoots, the first time to the English son of joy I think of the story of Liu Buying. Her home has two study rooms, the longest distance between the two sides of the house. In I Dare to Be Alone in Your Arms, she shares her married life with her husband, Zhong Shi: “Go out together, go to different cinemas, watch different movies.” Go home together, one to the left, one to the right, bedroom, study alone, only share the kitchen and living room. At first, Zhong Shi also found this way of life a little strange, but he respected Liu Buying and soon became addicted. Liu Buying in his own space to write, read, think, Zhong Shi in their own space to do their own things, undisturbed.

Never mind. Want to be alone? Never mind. Even if I lie quietly in your arms, I feel safe, comfortable and free. This is the highest level of trust between two people. 

4 Relationships: There is no substitute for you

In the hearts of Shu one and Yingzi, each other has always been the best companion. The older you get, the more you love. Yingzi loves to fix one more and more. She felt particularly handsome when she was old. Sometimes he admires him: “Wow, he looks so good.” “For me, she’s the best girlfriend, ” Mr. Xiu said, patting his chest. Yingzi sometimes asks Xiu: “What would you do if I left first?” At this age, no one knows who will leave first. She had to worry. Because of the increasing age, every day of life is counting down. “I’m going to go to the little star next to Southern Cross after death, ” Shu said. Burn the remains of charcoal and ask people to scatter them into the sea of the South Pacific. It’s good that Yingzi seems to be coming next. If Yingzi were gone first, I would be like a broken kite, not knowing where to fly. Later one morning, he finished farm work in the garden as usual and went back to his house for a nap. This sleep, never wake up. Yingzi calmly changed into a black dress, knelt next to the repair, his face still with a familiar smile, choked and firmly said: “Fix one, I will arrange everything, so don’t worry.” When my time comes and turns to ashes, we can go to the South Pacific by boat together. You will be alone, but take good care of yourself and wait for me. I’ll try my best to live and look forward to seeing you again. ”

After her death, she will be sad, empty, do not know how to continue alone. But the days are still business as usual. Yingzi still makes two breakfasts a day, one in front of a photo, one to eat. A man takes care of the fruits and vegetables in the field and takes care of himself. Because, xiu one always tells her to be slow and firm, to do what she can do. Through the course of their lives, they have been slow and determined to allow each other to be themselves. Don’t control each other, don’t force each other must change for themselves. Doesn’t take marriage as the whole of life, we find ourselves better with each other’s support. Don’t rely all your emotions on each other, allow each other to have their own private space. We admit that in reality it is very difficult to encounter fairy-tale love like Xiu one and Yingzi, it is difficult to meet such unconditional understanding, acceptance of their partners, it is difficult to run a good intimacy.

But think differently, why did we fall in love in the first place? What makes us attracted to each other? Indeed, perfect love is not available, but can we learn from each other in love? In my opinion, love is the ability to learn. Because the best thing about intimacy is that we have problems that can be discussed, rele levelled, adjusted, and, ultimately, the chemical reaction of love. I hope everyone can run their own love and marriage. The world and I love you.

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