As a first step, when you find yourself with the thoughts and impulses to connect with your predecessor, use STOP immediately, which is to stop all the behaviour at hand. Our goal is not to be impulsive, not to make emotional behaviour, so as not to regret it.
“Breakups hurt—-after the break-up or can’t help but want to contact the ex what to do?”
Specifically, STOP consists of four steps (each letter represents a word):
1.Stop (Stop all at hand): Whether you’re reaching for your phone, looking through your address book for your ex’s contact information, or you’ve started typing for your ex, no matter how much you’re doing, stop all action at hand at this moment. Do we want to pause and make sure you really want to contact your ex, or do you want to decide on the spur of the moment?
2.Take a step back: Here I suggest you take a step back, if you are typing on your phone, you can put your phone on the table, leave your room temporarily, if you are outside, you can temporarily put your cell phone in your bag, if you are in the office, you can get up and go to the bathroom.
3. Observe: When you stop the behaviour at hand and move out of your current environment, take a deep breath and ask yourself the following questions: Where am I? What just happened? What emotions did I experience? What triggered my emotions?
4. Proceed Mindfully (EffectiveLy Continue): Although we can temporarily stop all our actions, life will not stop, we still have a lot of work to do, there is no way to escape all the time. After the “observe yourself” step, please return to life, but this time we will not make impulsive decisions, we will choose to move forward effectively.
Second, when you stop your impulsive behaviour, use Self-Validation, which is to understand, acknowledge, and affirm your emotions. After breaking up to want to contact the predecessor is very normal behaviour, but also human feelings, do not criticize, blame themselves, here our goal is to be able to be a little better to themselves, a little more patient, a little more understanding.
“Breakups hurt—-after the break-up or can’t help but want to contact the ex what to do?”
Validation is easy to talk about, but hard to do. When we experience some strong emotions, please do not suppress their emotions, tell themselves to “make a fuss”, “too sensitive”, “sentimental”, so that to deny their emotions not only no effect but will make their emotions worse and worse. Instead, I suggest you understand, affirm, and acknowledge your emotions, telling yourself that “it’s normal to experience them,” that others experience them, and that it’s a natural reaction after a breakup. And a person in love, get along with each other for a long time, but also gradually into each other’s lives, who will not miss each other after the break-up? Who can suddenly adapt to life without each other? Who likes a person’s empty and lonely life? Who wouldn’t think about each other’s good? Give yourself some certainty and the intensity of your emotions will slowly come down.
The third step, when you understand, acknowledge and affirm your emotions, use Check the Facts, which is to check the facts. May I ask why they broke up because of the reason, in the end, who proposed the break-up, break up before really happy, the break-up process is what it is. Our goal here is to be able to remind ourselves of the reasons for breaking up and to face reality objectively, not subjectively emotionally.
Of course, every couple break up the reason is different, but the break-up must have a reason, the break-up also represents the two of you in the situation at that time, there is no way to continue. In most cases, the break-up is a cause, but many times, when we have negative emotions, often forget the fact of a break-up, forget the relationship encountered problems, only remember each other’s good, forget each other’s bad.
In the “check the facts” step, ask yourself the following questions:
Who proposed the breakup?
What’s the reason for the breakup?
What do the two parties think when they break up?
Do you often have problems together?
Are there any unhappy times when we’re together?
Do you get hurt often when you’re together?
What are the difficulties you will encounter if you continue to walk?
Is it possible to keep going?
What’s the problem with this relationship?
What did the friends around you say when they broke up?
The fourth step, after examining and recalling the facts of the breakup, analyzes the pros and cons of what you want to do with your ex, pros and Cons. May I ask myself, if you really go to contact your predecessor, what benefits will you bring to yourself? What harm would it do to yourself? Is there more good than bad, or more bad than good? Our goal here is to return to reason, consider long-term results, and then make effective decisions.
To do pros and cons analysis, in fact, it is very simple, take out a piece of paper, write in the front “contact the former” benefits, in the back to write “contact the former” the disadvantages, and then count how many benefits, how many disadvantages, in the end, is more benefits, or worse?
Also, I would ask you to consider whether the benefits and downs listed in you are short-term (e.g., feeling not alone, sadness will be less), and the downs are long-term (e.g. the other party may not reply or ignore, and then regret self-blame for the injury)? If, after a week or a month, you look back, is it time to contact your predecessor, or not?
Fifth, after analyzing the benefits and downs of “connecting with your predecessor,” use Wise Mind, which is to ask yourself how smart you should be in the current situation. We can’t completely follow emotions, we can’t completely suppress emotions, and here our goal is to combine emotions and reason to make choices that are wise, effective, and that we don’t regret.
We have three of our own (states of mind):
The first one is called the emotional mind, in which case the emotional heart tells us, “You have to contact your predecessor right away so you can be better”, and the emotional heart is completely dominated by emotion, regardless of logic.
The second self is called the logical mind, in which case the logical heart may tell us: “You go to contact the predecessor now, there will be no good results, have broken up, so that they will only get deeper and deeper”, the logical heart is completely cold logic, no emotion.
The third self is called the wisdom heart, the wisdom heart is contained in the emotional heart and logical heart, is the junction and synthesis of the two, in this case, the wisdom heart may tell us: “You want to be the predecessor, break up is painful, want to contact each other is completely understandable, but this time to contact each other, not necessarily to solve the problem, on the contrary, you may make your situation worse, will regret”, so the wise heart will recognize both emotions, but also logic.
Our goal is to be able to find our wisdom and make effective decisions at the right time, both emotionally and logically.
Step 6, after finding wisdom, if you decide that connecting with your predecessor is not the smartest and most effective behaviour, use Opposite Action, which is to do the opposite. The so-called reverse behaviour is to do the opposite direction with their emotions, not only do not contact each other, and may even delete the other party’s contact information. Our goal here is to manage our emotions more effectively by changing our behaviour.
Your emotional heart tells you: “Now, immediately, immediately to contact the predecessor”, since our wisdom said that such behaviour is not intelligent, nor effective, then we have to act in the opposite direction of emotion. Here for example, not only do not contact each other, on the contrary, we go to pull each other black or block out, or directly delete each other’s contact information. Not only do we have to act in the opposite direction, but we also have to do our best, and know that our wisdom has helped us make our decisions, follow them.
Step 7, when you and your emotions have moved in the opposite direction, regardless of the outcome, please go on to do some distractions, comfort yourself, and pamper yourself, called Distracting/Self-Soothing/Improving The Moment. After so many steps of emotional management, you deserve to be nice to yourself, and it doesn’t make sense to keep entangled in the topic of “unlinked predecessors.” Our goal here is to distract ourselves from the issue of “contacting your predecessor”.
Although they did not contact their predecessors, the negative emotions will not suddenly disappear, and the impulse to contact the predecessor will come back from time to time to “visit” and “seduce” themselves, so it is better to do things for themselves, distraction, or reward, reward yourself, after using so many psychological skills, they should be better to themselves, the predecessor can not give, we come!
There are many, many things to do here, such as:
Wash your clothes
Go out for a walk
Reading and learning
Watch your favourite TV shows and movies
Call up three or five friends to hang out
Go for a good body
Go out for a run
Make yourself something delicious
Take a hot bath
Give yourself a holiday
Listen to your favourite music
Call family and friends and talk about home
Here’s a summary of the seven steps:
1.STOP, stop all contact with the predecessor
2. Self-Validation, affirm and understand your emotions
3. Check the Facts, remind yourself of the reasons and circumstances of the break-up
4. Pros and Cons, an analysis of the pros and cons of the urge to contact your predecessor
5. Wise Mind, ask wisdom, whether you want to contact your predecessor or not
6. Opposite Action, if the wise man says not to contact his predecessor, then he or she will move in the opposite direction to the emotion and distance him from his predecessor
7. Distracting/Self-Soothing/Improving the Moment, find yourself something to distract yourself from, comfort yourself, and care for yourself
You can do it! The first few times the workload will be relatively large, but a few more times will become easier, refuelling.