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Clearly in love, but feel very lonely, two people do not have much emotional communication and interaction, there is likely emotional neglect, meaning that the two sides need to communicate, and communication after no change, maybe timely stop loss.

“Breakups hurt—-when do you think it’s time to break up in time?”

What is emotional neglect like?

Emotional neglect is the long-term failure of one party to perceive, participate in, and respond to the emotional needs of the other. Indifference from the obvious emotional abuse, such as taunts and humiliations, emotional neglect is an emotional “inaction” and a silent injury.

The emotional needs of one of the parties may be overlooked if:

1. Although in a relationship, but still feel lonely, do not feel emotional connection and intimacy. When you need to talk and rely on, feel that you can’t rely on your partner, you can only turn to friends or others;

2. Feel your feelings have never been able to get the other side’s attention and response;

3. Disagreements or conflicts have re-emerged, but cannot be effectively resolved. When you open the topic and look forward to the discussion, the other person either stops your expression, uses silence to avoid conflict, or wanders away, careless;

“Breakups hurt—-when do you think it’s time to break up in time?”

4. The discussion of problem-solving always focuses on fact-centred rational arguments without taking into account the more fragile emotional needs that are stimulated.

What are the effects of being emotionally neglected?

Emotional neglect, while seemingly a silent and gentle injury, can have an impact on all aspects of the person in it.

Neglected people often feel tangled at first, on the one hand, the other side does not seem to have any specific behaviour that can rise to the “no love” level, so they are angry or sad seems to be very “do”, very intolerant. They will deny their feelings, make excuses for each other, tell themselves that “they are really too busy, so no time to take into account”;

But on the other hand, they really feel the helplessness and pain of being rejected and ignored, and then the following behaviour occurs:

1. Force yourself to be perfect in exchange for the other person’s love

Many people who are neglected by their partners think that their problems and mistakes lead to neglect, and they become extremely cautious. When neglect occurs, they blame themselves harshly and try to please their partners. They think that as long as they get better, more attractive, and smarter, they can save their partner’s attention and love: “If I can clean the room spotless, maybe Ta will come back and praise me,” “If I’m in better shape, maybe Ta will be more willing to be intimate with me.” ”

But they gradually found that no matter how hard they tried, neglect would not necessarily stop, the damage was still going on, and they still couldn’t get their partner’s care, which added to the belief of some of the neglected: “I’m not good enough.” They don’t realize they’re guilty and ashamed of being wrong.

2. Gradually develop self-neglect

When people are ignored by their partners, they also begin to ignore themselves. Self-neglected people are good at caring for others, but they are not good at caring for themselves. They may easily forgive the mistakes made by others and listen patiently to their distress, but when they encounter problems themselves, they do not comfort or support themselves, but instead make harsh self-criticisms and be angry about their one inability.

People who are ignored by their partners ignore themselves. People tend to put themselves in a similar environment/pattern to the past, especially in stressful situations, where people instinctively retreat to familiar patterns because habits mean safety. For the neglected, “their own needs are not met” and “they are not supported” are familiar to them, so they choose to ignore their own needs and pain.

“Breakups hurt—-when do you think it’s time to break up in time?”

3. Imagintic partners may arise

In response to their partner’s neglect of themselves, some people idealize their partner as someone contrary to reality, such as a clear partner who rarely gives herself a loving response, but Ta imagines many of his partner’s actions as expressing love for himself, so Ta imagines that the partner becomes someone who cares for himself.

Neglected people may use imaginary partners as a response, perhaps because people are too hopeful that their relationship/marriage will be successful, so they prefer to cover up with a fanciful partner and admit in the past that they are in a neglected relationship. However, while imaginary partners can bring some comfort, they also prevent neglected people from properly assessing their partners and prevent them from solving difficult situations in their relationships.

Feeling neglected by emotion, do you have to break up immediately?

In today’s busy lifestyle and society, emotional neglect is not uncommon, it does not necessarily mean “no love.” The other person may be busy at work, unaware that Ta ignored you, may have experienced childhood emotional neglect (Childhood Emotional Neglect), didn’t know how to manage, express emotions, and was unable to show emotional care.

In the event of neglect, you can first choose to communicate to raise awareness and urge the other person to take action to improve. Like what: 

Show how you feel and provide solutions

The other person’s inability to read your heart makes it more difficult to accurately judge your emotions and needs at a certain moment, which requires you to be frank with the other person about your feelings. You can tell Ta a specific example of neglect (when, what scene, what the two sides said and did), and then show how you feel in that situation, and what you want the other person to do at the time.

For partners who have been avoiding communicating feelings, try “vertical questioning techniques”

Longitudinal questioning techniques can help both parties understand each other’s inner feelings. The opposite of “vertical questions” is “horizontal questions”, which are designed to gather information rather than explore deep emotions. Common horizontal problems are:

Why did you come back so late?

Where have you been?

How much did you spend on shopping?

What do you think we should do?

What’s the schedule for this weekend? ”

Vertical problems tend to acquire emotions, which are more difficult and challenging and push the other person to explore real emotions and voices deep within them, such as:

What do you think of this?

Why did you really say that/do that?

Are you angry? Why?

You look a little sad, am I right?

But… Do you realize that your expression doesn’t agree with what you say?

The results of vertical questioning can be unexpected and can even cause intense emotions and even pain, but it can take you through layers of avoidance, touching on each other’s real thoughts and feelings, and the possibility of solving problems completely.

Of course, if you try to communicate, but the other party still refuses to change or reject your idea, you can reserve the right to leave the relationship and break up in time.



D.Cohen, E. (2013). What Emotional Neglect Does to a Relationship. Psychology Today.

Webb. J (2015) Want a Solid, Warm Marriage? Use Vertical Questions. PsychCentral.

Baadsgaard, J. (2013). Healing from Neglect: When Those We Love Don’t Love Us. Springville, UT: Cedar Fort, Inc.

Webb, J. (2012). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. New York, NY: Morgan James Publishing.

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