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Someone once privately letter to me, she always can’t help but want to say break up, but after saying and regretting, she also knows that this is not right, but just can’t control themselves, the key moment is still the same.

This may have something to do with your attachment patterns.

Psychologist Phillip Shaver and others have used modern research methods to snag patterns of adult attachment, arguing that there are types of attachment patterns:

“Breakups hurt—-how to break up with a boyfriend who loves him very much without hurting him too much?”

1. Safe lover: This attachment mode person is easy to form a close relationship with others and is willing to let others get close to themselves, with the safe type of lover, you will be very comfortable, very relaxed, even if you make mistakes in the relationship or do not take into account his suffering, he will not feel too much uneasiness;

2. Avoidable lovers: Whenever they approach others or others come close to them, they feel uncomfortable, these people have trust and trust in the trouble, if your lover is shunning type, then you will often feel inexplicable, how he is always very cold, or as if always to keep a distance from you;

3. Anxiety-contradictory lovers: These people want to be intimate, but they are uneasy about the relationship, and their eager attitude toward the relationship may scare the person in the relationship. The study found that only about half of people with a safe attachment pattern and the remaining half were avoidable lovers or anxiety-contradictory. Avoidable lovers are not easy to trust their lovers in a relationship, if the lover is too close, they may feel uncomfortable, to break up to obtain a temporary sense of security;

This type of attachment once feel neglected by lovers, it will be very anxious and restless, emotions can easily restrain themselves, hoping to break up to get more care, feel more control. Repeated mention of a break-up is easy to undermine each other’s self-esteem, hurt each other’s sense of trust, thereby reducing love satisfaction, careless will also turn over the boat, false break-up becomes true break-up, resulting in a large embarrassing break-up scene. If you belong to these two types of insecure attachment, then when you are unhappy with small things or quarrels and give birth to the idea of breaking up, ask yourself a few questions to calm yourself down: 1. What I feel now, what I feel emotional; 2. What makes me have such an emotional experience; 3. What am I worried about, what am I afraid of, what am I anxious about; 4. I feel so strongly now simply because he did something wrong: is it his own type of attachment that exacerbates insecurity; His mistake this time has not violated the bottom line of my love, is not unforgivable; 1. Do I expect anything from his behaviour? 2. If I break up, will it be as compound as before? 3. Would I regret it if he agreed to break up? When you have answered your own questions, I believe you will have an answer in your heart, this break-up is a means if you want the other person to change or make yourself more secure, or the feelings to the end of the necessary action.

“Breakups hurt—-how to break up with a boyfriend who loves him very much without hurting him too much?”

Whether active or passive, the break-up is already a hurtful thing, if in the process of breaking up, once the communication of the party and methods there is a problem, more likely to cause secondary harm to one party, resulting in emotional loss, make some embarrassing to both sides, to each other’s disadvantage.

Take cheating as an example, the cheating party should try to do the following four points, reduce the secondary harm to the other side: (1) reduce the damage to the other side’s self-esteem When we encounter betrayal, in addition to anger and sadness, but also accompanied by strong self-denial. Object cheating, but suspected that they are not good enough, not attractive enough, and some people will not be able to help themselves with the object of cheating compared, if the object of cheating is far less than their own, there will be further self-attack, such as “Why do you like a bad I am a lot of people?” Am I not as good as him? These self-denials can seriously damage our self-esteem, exacerbating anger, anxiety, and anxiety, making the break-up even more painful. So, if you’re the wrong party, stress this to your lover over and over again when you break up: the reason for cheating isn’t because he’s not good enough, he’s not good enough. Reduce the damage to his self-esteem through such communication. (2) Not too much description of the details of the injury A friend was cheated by her boyfriend, she sobbed, while painfully said, “Why did he tell me so many details, how he was good to her, how touched her, why he was so hard-hearted, to let me bear these!” 」。 When we experience betrayal, the more details we know, the more injustice and jealousy we can trigger, and the more anger and overreact we can trigger. If you are the wrong party, while confessing your mistakes, be careful not to describe the details of your mistakes too detailed, which is undoubtedly a huge secondary injury to the other side, but also more likely to trigger a violent conflict in the break-up process. (3) Do not justify their own mistakes Many people in the cheating, habitually to defend themselves, the reason for the cheating attributed to the lovers is not considerate enough, feelings are not good always quarrel, etc., but I do not know, this is actually stealing the concept. If you are the injured party, do not be bypassed by this way, because the act of cheating is wrong in any case, two people’s emotional problems can be solved through other means, not through cheating, so the derailment itself and two people’s emotional problems are simply two different things. If you’re the wrong party, admit your mistakes in good faith instead of making excuses for your mistakes, because that means you’re saying that the other person’s mistakes caused you to cheat and that this secondary injury will no doubt anger the other person and increase the risk of conflict. (4) Do your best to compensate, rather than simply say sorry some people in the derailment were found, do nothing, just a strong apology, say sorry. Such a form of apology is pointless because many of the injuries are not “sorry” can bear. A few simple words of “apology” will only make the injured person feel more unworthy and humiliated, “I am so painful, you think a few words right or no.”


“Breakups hurt—-how to break up with a boyfriend who loves him very much without hurting him too much?”

2. Break-up without too much harm If there are no hurt incidents mentioned above, two people just for some reason can not go on better, a good break-up means to do the following three points:

(1) In the process of breaking up, avoid personality debasement has encountered such cases before, couples break up, one party asked to give each other when all gifts together are returned to the original owner, if not involved in emotional fraud, this practice will make both sides feel demeaning personality because this kind of behaviour conveys a message: we go to pay is entirely out of value exchange, there is no truth, the feelings of the past are false.

(2) When expressing the reasons for the break-up, reduce self-esteem injury There is a reason for the break-up, called “I don’t deserve you”, when you hear such a reason, it is difficult not to be angry, because the meaning behind this sentence is “I am very poor, but you are with me, you blindly chose me”, which is undoubtedly an attack on our self-esteem

It has to be said that this wave of operation is really crazy. No kind of break-up is not hurt, if in this name, waste other people’s feelings and time, but also to exert cold violence, this will only aggravate the harm to the other party, but also may lead to some after-effects of the break-up. For example, one of my friends had been so broken that he couldn’t contain his sadness and anger, repeatedly asking me the same question, “What the hell am I doing wrong, she’s going to part with me?”, a question that bothered him so much that he was entangled with his predecessor, and in the end, all he wanted was a clear answer. Good communication Above said a lot of break-up process need to pay attention to avoid the way, then what is the way to be a good break-up? Cheng and Sventi offer a good idea for breaking up: (1) Public discussion Psychological research has found that open discussion is the most effective strategy for resolving personal conflicts, which allows individuals to become more involved in their relationships and prevent conflict escalation (Canary, Cupach, and Messman, 1995). Public talk refers to two people directly, talk about the emotional advantages and losses, their feelings and their own mistakes and regrets.

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