At the end of a relationship, some people choose time – let it go, let sadness and regret flow away over time, others choose new joy – can’t wait to move on to the next relationship, with new people to help him forget the old.
We wonder: Can time really cure us? Is it really useful to put a new love in your arms after a breakup? And this choice reflects what kind of love we have?
“How long do relationship breaks last—-Will you choose time or new love after breaking up”
1 Time can heal the pain of breaking up
In 2005, David Sbarra of the University of Arizona and Robert Emery of the University of Virginia conducted a study of mood changes after a breakup and found that:
People who break up, especially those who have just broken up, report more emotional instability than those in good relationships. But over time, the emotional state changes after a breakup.
The study was conducted on 58 young people at the University of Virginia who ended more than four months of intimacy in each of the first two weeks of the study and were asked to fill out a 28-day daily emotional diary.
The diary contains 33 questions, including emotional states such as love, sadness, and anger. The researchers found that after a breakup, participants were the first to feel anger, sadness, and finally the loss of love. Although the last emotion to deal with is love, but their love for their predecessors and intimacy is plummeting, once the beginning, there is no back-and-forth process.
As for sadness and anger, although they last longer and exhibit fluctuating states, after about 28 days, the feelings of sadness fade back to levels similar to those of people who are still in good health. Other negative emotional fluctuations will return to normal around the 40th day.
“How long do relationship breaks last—-Will you choose time or new love after breaking up”
In other words, after 40 days, most people have no different emotional state than the well-being of the individual. The hidden meaning behind this is that it may only take 40 days to get out of the shadow of love loss.
The study further points out that people who have been in a relationship longer may have come to accept the fact that they wanted to break up before they actually proposed it, but the pain is less.
It may not take long for people after a breakup to enter into a new relationship, but it is important to note that they may enter into a “rebound relationship” that is not necessarily the beginning of a good relationship.
It means that a new relationship begins immediately after the end of an important romantic relationship, and the relationship associated with the previous relationship has not been fully resolved (Brumbaugh, 2015).
Bounce relationships do bring us some benefits, such as distracting us from negative emotions such as anger, sadness, and anxiety (Spielmann, 2009; Spielmann, 2013), boosts our self-esteem and self-confidence (Brumbaugh, 2015) and even improves attachment style, shifting to safety (Marshall, 2013).
But as the definition describes, when we enter into a bounce relationship, likely, the trauma of the last relationship has not been repaired, in which case a new relationship will not only harm the individual, but also disrespect for the new and old relationship, and will easily fall into the “scum” situation.
In Meyer’s (2016) view, a bounce-off relationship is a stopgap measure, “a misguided effort to keep life moving forward”. That’s why many people’s bounce relationships are a problem. Specifically, there are three situations:
First, the new relationship is not completely separate from the last one. You are not out of touch with your ex, still yearning for him, clinging to him, or treating your new partner by the standards of your ex, at which point you can’t tell who you love;
It’s also possible that the purpose of your new relationship is revenge and punishment, which you want to make your ex jealous or angry, and research has found that it can take you longer to recover from a breakup (Barber, 2014).
Second, you just mislead the other person with an “I just want to play” attitude. Not wanting to seriously engage in a relationship is not necessarily bad, but it requires agreement between the two parties, and if the other wants to build a long-term committed relationship and you don’t tell the other person your purpose, the development of the new relationship is bound to be negative.
3 Choose a new love and our view of love
Sandra Langeslag, a psychologist at the University of Missouri at St. Louis, believes that love can be managed and regulated (2016). We can choose when to end a relationship and when to start a new relationship.
A very important trait in being able to move into new relationships without dragging mud is self-complexity, where people with high self-complexity have multiple self-concepts and can handle the relationships between these self-concepts (Smith and Cohen, 1993).
Often, breaking up changes a person’s self-concept reduces its clarity, and some people “become less like themselves” or even “lose themselves” and “don’t know who they are.”
People with high self-complexity have a higher degree of self-development, know “I have many faces”, and they are not the same. They also have strong adaptability, according to the different scenarios and needs of life, flexible call their own different facing.
For example, after a breakup, you may still be grieving in your old relationship, but people with high self-complexity allow themselves to mourn the old relationship and give themselves a chance to enter into a new one.
They are open, able to treat feelings in good faith, respect each relationship, can be honest with their new partner about their original relationship, in a new relationship, invest in a new self, and start over on a new basis.
Shannon Battle describes it from another angle: “Love is not well thought out, it is strictly guided by emotional regulation” and that “those who respond more positively to the emotions of the situation may make up for their harm with real love”.
People with high self-complexity have a high ability to regulate emotions, which is based on being honest about love and hurt, and they face harm, not avoiding it in front of new people, not amplifying it, not turning it over to time, but with each other to heal it and enjoy new love.
Self-complexity is a kind of psychological energy that is both growths to love and self. If a person can use this ability to enter the “seamless” love, but he has a healthy view of love.
When the public scolds “seamless”, in addition to the possibility of being deceived, but also by the “purity-degradation” of the binary morality.
Society is increasingly chaotic and uncertain, and if anything, it may be moral, it is open to all and provides shelter for all – a sense of security and control over our own lives by relatively certain moral standards.
But obviously in this “don’t love” basically equates to the “infidelity” concept, we can’t enjoy real love, or even enjoy real life. Life is always fluid, but the moral standard of binary has set out strict steps in life, to meet such standards, we need to cut off the same flow of emotions, to live our own fragmented people.
In the view of Elizabeth Krusemark and others, love requires a mind-set attitude – always enjoy the present, not indulge in past relationships, not for new possible temptations, seriously into every relationship, and not wearing unnecessary shackles.
And when you live like this, so love, the greatest certainty and security in life can be born – it is rooted in your life itself.
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