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Falling out of love is a very painful thing, and it often leaves a lot of people unsealed for long periods of time.

So why does a break-up cause us unbearable pain?

“Why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it—-How painful is breakup”


It turns out that in a loving relationship, we can get feelings that are difficult to get in a normal relationship.

This feeling includes being the most important person in the other person’s eyes, being completely accepted by the other person, and so on.

It makes us feel especially valuable, that we feel beautiful, and that we gain new strength to meet the difficult challenges of living and work.

In this relationship, we can be human without masks and armour because we feel safe.

However, when we are faced with the near-loss of this relationship, the pain of breaking up can occur.

Dependency theory tells us that the need for love is the survival instinct of each of us because, in a loving relationship, we can be properly cared for and relied upon. 

When you can be close to your partner and get a response, an emotional connection is established between two people.

Imagine, when you make a contradiction, the other side is silent, to your words have not responded, when you go to hold his hand but was thrown away, do you feel good to hurt?

The front is not responding, the back is not close, which is really angry.

When we’re faced with a breakup, our rationality doesn’t even think about what happens when we break up, but our emotions remind us:

I was abandoned.

What does it mean to be abandoned?

It means that the relationships and care that we already have are gone, and the feeling of being accepted and valued is gone.

It’s like we deposited money in a relationship bank and suddenly one day told you that the bank had failed.

What’s the mood?

I think the person who hurts the most must be the one who has the most savings because it’s all gone.

“Why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it—-How painful is breakup”


What exactly do we go through when we go through this pain?

Stage 1: We will have an act of protest.

How can we watch a bank that has saved a lot of money fail? This must not be allowed.

We’ll get angry, we’ll get angry, and we’ll say to each other, “Is the relationship you’re alone?” Do you say points? ”

We’re frantically calling and tweeting, yelling at each other, or even doing it because we have strong dissatisfaction, and that shows that we want to change things.

Because can’t just look at bankruptcy, ah, watching the previous pay is gone, we always have to do something to stop it?

Phase 2: We will try to regain control of the relationship.

Often many seemingly ridiculous actions are made at this stage.

For example, we would like to see how each other’s new love is compared to ourselves, and we want to see each other’s new joy.

Intercept each other on their way to and from work to make a statement, or even threaten the other person, posting all kinds of private information.

These are all manifestations of a re-control of the relationship.

Because being abandoned by someone you like is a very painful thing, if the other side can soothe themselves, it may be more smooth.

But when you’re most vulnerable and need help, the other person turned a blind eye to your pain, which means putting yourself at gunpoint.

The third stage: found that all the efforts made have little effect, or unable to recover the bankruptcy failure, feel powerless, lost, sad, sad.

Holding himself, in the night, wrapped himself in a quilt, buried his head, stomach sobbing.

Suffering is inevitable, but it is unbearable to bear alone.

I think there has been such an experience, now aftertaste, but also a sigh.

“Why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it—-How painful is breakup”

Stage 4: When we feel hopeless, we stop putting in.

Just as the bank has gone bankrupt, you can’t get a penny, the protest also protests, heartache is distressed, what else can you do?

This reality can only be accepted.

Tell yourself that the bank won’t deposit again, will it?

Later walk on the road, see this bank, think of what is calculated, don’t hope, just go away.

We no longer had expectations, we cut off the connection with each other.

Maybe it’s that emotional pull-out, a strange feeling, a cold feeling, or a blackened contact to end the relationship.

In short, we protected ourselves from being hurt again, mourning for the withering of this relationship and mourning alone.


I think the most painful thing is that we don’t understand ourselves.

The reason is, do we really want to save this person, or just want the other side can be in the pain of falling in love, can take care of themselves slightly, calm themselves down, so that they can be a little better, to help themselves through this difficult period of time?

I want to figure this out, the chaotic inner world, a little clearer.

I’ve also experienced break-ups, break-ups are really painful.

If a new injury strikes with an old one, it affects your work and life.

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