1, about fell in love at first sight
I’ve been trying to find some psychological arguments for the fact that it exists or doesn’t exist, but I find it hard to find theoretical support. However, things like fell in love, at first sight, are real. Some books about teaching you how to fall in love teach you tricks, how to wrap your image, how to practice a pair of attractive eyes, how to use words to make your male goddess fall in love with you. It turns out that it does have some effect, because appearance does determine the probability of a person being noticed, but one amazing thing is that I can’t tell how good she is, but I just like it. So, something like fall in love, at first sight, can really happen, and at that moment you just want to hug her, you want to kiss her, your dopamine suddenly changes, you feel your heartbeat faster, well, congratulations, you fell in love with her from that moment on.
Sometimes love this thing, don’t try to use scientific theory to explain, the fact is that some people can’t say anything good, but you just can’t forget.
According to psychoanalytic, we all come with childhood injuries to get along with our other half. The psychological deficiencies that our native families bring to us, if not healed well, will be brought into future intimacy, trying to make up for the lack of satisfaction of our parents in their early years with their other half. But after all, a lover is not your ideal parent, it is impossible to meet all your expectations of warmth and security.
Some people in love show extreme insecurity, often sensitive and suspicious, hope to tightly control each other, to do the form over and over again to confirm that the other side will not leave. This is also known as anxiety attachment.
In counselling, she encountered a case in which she had a deep distrust of her partner and a strong possessive desire. She is relieved to be with her when she needs a partner. When not together, the message should be seconds back, to call every day to send a message to feel loved. When discussing her childhood, she talked about often afraid to sleep, once asleep will wake up will not see her mother, she cried hard, cried for a long time, mother came back full of resentment. According to developmental psychology, the first thing a child does when he sleeps and wakes up is to find his mother, who is safe only after confirming her presence. When he couldn’t find his mother, he suddenly felt that the world was unsafe, as if he had been abandoned. The owner of this case, can not confirm the existence of her mother, so grow up on the companionship of the partner and within the control of the line of sight of the need is very strong.
There is a kind of person, in the intimate relationship is always cold and hot, dare not completely surrender the heart, even if the other side once more dependent on this kind of person has the impulse to escape, this kind of person is also called evasive attachment.
In real life, often this kind of person’s partner feels crazier because it is very hard to fall in love with the shunning attachment person. They are always hot and cold and are particularly afraid of being relied upon and too close to each other, and once they feel that they are too close to each other, they immediately retreat to what they call safety. They are less concerned about the other half’s feelings and less willing to be too close to each other because they need a lot of time to be alone, and if the other half asks for a little more they will be very disgusted and frightened, with a desire to escape. This kind of person is often also a child, parents for her needs did not give a reasonable and timely response, leading to adulthood began to avoid and deny their own need for intimacy, for fear of being rejected again.
From this we can see that the beauty of love is because it makes us feel the release of dopamine, let us once again experience the warmth of being cared for by attention, but each of us brings the patterns and absences from our native family into intimacy, so everyone learns different ways to give and express love. When there is a difference in this way – and usually the difference is inevitable – conflict arises, and that is where the pain of love comes in. Therefore, all love is painful and happy.
3, since many of us are with the brand of the past to get along with the other half, then the intimacy of the contradictions can be minimized
The first solution: willing to give way to “we” part of the “self”, willing to love to choose to understand and accommodate each other’s injuries, in fact, when you really love a person, you are willing to go out of your own world, really understand him and his absence, and willing to meet him. I believe that love can go beyond the so-called three views of theine.” Of course, this is not your reason for demanding the other half, when he did not realize and meet your psychological needs in time, it is not that he does not love you, but he did not learn how to love. He is a lover, but not a successful one.
The second solution: We need constant self-improvement and growth, not asking the other person to meet your needs. A healthy relationship should be an encounter between two separate people, and then we use each other to complete the extension of life. That is, I have 100 points, you have 100 points, we become 200 points together. The unhealthy relationship is that one of us is only half the person, and the other is forced to be your other half, to bear the loss of your life. That is, I only have 50 points, I expect you to give me 50 points to make me complete, make up for what I can’t give myself inside.
Our love is beautiful when we are no longer a child but as an adult. Because we are two independent individuals, we are equal to each other, self-boundary clear, and mutual support and expansion. When I have you, I am more beautiful and grateful. Without you, I’m still intact and there.
Such an encounter is beautiful, we are two independent individuals, we accompany each other will also give each other space, we will have different but can understand each other. We don’t love each other anymore, we don’t give love too much meaning. Some of life’s homework can only be repaired by themselves, rather than desperately from the other half of the body to take, no one can give what may not have in their own body, and no one is willing to drag another person forward. So, after passion, the secret to maintaining love for a long time is first, willing to learn to understand each other for our relationship, with the other person’s needs to love, and second, to focus on perfecting themselves, with an adult mentality to treat a relationship, rather than constantly in the relationship to ask for things that your childhood parents did not give you. Such love should be much less painful.
4. In this day and age, the popularity of smartphones makes it very easy for people to get to know each other, thus greatly increasing the probability of cheating, so do we have to choose marriage?
Indeed, this is an era when the popularity of mobile connectivity makes it so easy for people to get to know each other, which in part tests the stability of human nature and marriage. Marriages that can withstand any temptation from the end are becoming less and less common in this era, as illustrated by the increasing divorce rate year by year. But we can’t turn down marriage because of food, because what may happen in the future, after all, a sense of belonging is one of the important needs of a person. All we need to do is choose the right people and use the right methods to minimize the likelihood of cheating. Let’s talk to you about these two aspects.
The first is to choose the right person.
When choosing a marriage object, it is very important to choose someone with a strong sense of morality, according to psychology: choose a person who is more powerful than me. This is the most basic psychoanalytism of the “self-super-self theory.” ”
1, I: located at the lowest level of personality structure, is composed of innity instinct, desire of the energy system, including a variety of physiological needs.
2, self: located in the middle layer of the personality structure, from this I differentiated out, its role is to regulate the contradiction between me and super me. Follow the principles of reality.
3, super-I: located at the highest level of personality structure. It’s a moral self. Its role is: to suppress my impulses, to monitor ben me.
A sense of moral responsibility (that is, someone who is more powerful than me) can restrain himself and take responsibility for his or her marriage in the face of the commotion of my original desires, and the probability of such a person cheating will be greatly reduced. Ten move to refuse, is a good partner.
Finally, I would like to say, don’t give so much weight to marriage, when it is so big or even determine your life happiness, it is really too heavy. You just think, I’m just looking for someone, walk with me for a long time, my life’s happiness can not be defined by anyone anything, can be defined only by myself.
When you have this mentality, a lot of things suddenly open up.
The word way seems to have become a derogatory term. Many emotional bloggers are advocating the argument that feelings must be sincere and that all planning is intentional. But in my opinion, this sentence is a big problem. The so-called scheme is like the method of doing homework, the method is right, do more with less and what’s wrong? The bad part is the purpose in your heart, not the way you go.
In fact, the so-called way, is to use the other side needs the way to love her, perhaps you feel that you pay a lot but not the other side needs, then all your pay not only meaningless sometimes even become the burden of the other side.
6. Is it really a good thing that couples don’t quarrel?
A lot of people say they quarrel every day. In fact, quarrelling is a very normal state.
You won’t quarrel with these three people: (1) people who are much lower than you. (2) People who are much taller than you. (3) People who don’t want to have a relationship with him. A quarrel between a couple may be precisely because you want to connect with the other person, and you want to always quarrel in a way that expresses my misunderstood and overlooked anger, indicating that you still have feelings.
I’ve seen a lot of couples who’ve been noisy all their lives, and they’ve been helping each other until they’re old. From the psychological analysis, one side thinks you and I are close, only to quarrel with you, just as I want to have sex with you, want to pour my emotions high concentration to you. The same is true, you’ll have a period of depression after you’ve had a fight with someone close to you, but on a long-term look, you’ll find that your relationship is closer. It’s like sex is over and you’ll feel tired, boring, or don’t even want to touch this person, but after the recovery period you’ll find that the relationship is closer. The most afraid is the kind of rare quarrel, encounter contradictions generally cold treatment of the husband and wife, they are subconsciously already do not want to have any connection with each other, also do not want to prove their importance in each other’s hearts because you have no longer important to me. So, in general, this kind of marriage is a symbol of the end.
Of course, everything needs to have a degree, the so-called too late, too frequent quarrel is certainly to destroy the relationship, mutual understanding and understanding in marriage is a very important link. There are also many kinds of quarrels, if it is often because of the trivial things in the marriage quarrel is the killer in the relationship. The quarrel is ultimately about achieving a more intimate spiritual resonance, not a little nitpicking. So proper quarrelling can be beneficial for promoting two people’s feelings, but too often quarrels and too respectful of the way guests get along is not a healthy relationship should be the state.
7, find a lover, similar personality or complement each other good?
The question seems to have been debated for many years, but after half a day of debate there is still no unified answer.
According to my observation, the conclusion is: personality complement each other easily attract each other, because the other person has you want to have and do not have the shadow personality, and the character is similar to get along, imagine a person especially like lively another person special house, I think it is also difficult to ensure that there will be no contradiction.
But if it is true love, then the difference in character should not become the killer of the relationship, all the killers of the relationship are ultimately not understanding, not inclusive, not compromise.
8. Does sex matter in intimacy, and how to test whether he just wants to sleep or really love me?
There is a saying, just want to sleep with you is not necessarily love, but even sleep do not want to be love.
Sex is a very important part of love, but also the most primitive human impulse, so I am sure that sex is very important in love. In fact, the first thing men see about women is to be attracted to women’s sexual charm. Harmonious sexual relations must be the driving force of love.
In addition, I would like to answer the next question, because I have heard countless girls ask a question: How to judge whether this boy is in love or want to sleep with me ah? Of course I’ve wondered about this.
The fact is: any man with you, is to sleep you, nothing but a reliable good man after sleeping responsible, not responsible after a reliable sleep.
So don’t get tangled up in this problem, evolutionary psychology tells us that men tend to be polysynot, so their genes tell them that if you only have sex with a woman, you’ll be much less efficient at transmitting genes later.
Therefore, if a man can restrain his original instincts for you, sleeping alone for the rest of his life, it must be love need not be doubted. It is called like is impertinent, and love is restraint.