Humans need to be in contact with others, which we often don’t know enough about.
Humans are very social animals. It can be painful to be deprived of close contact with others!
The core part of human society’s attribute is the need for an intimate relationship!
“Relationship riddles—-what is intimacy relationship”
The basic components of intimacy: the culture we inherit, the experiences we experience, the personalities we possess, the common genetics, and the interpersonal relationships.
Understand relationships correctly. We must first understand who we are, where we are, and how we are changing.
(i) The nature and importance of intimacy
(1.) The nature of the intimate relationship
Six elements of intimacy:
1. Understanding: Intimate partners have a broad and private understanding of each other!
2. Care: Each other can feel more love from each other.
3. Interdependence: the extent to which they need each other and the extent to which they affect each other, which is frequent, intense, diverse and persistent! Simply put: an intimate partner’s life is also intertwined: one party’s behaviour affects the other’s behaviour goals and ability to act, and one party’s behaviour affects one side as well as the other!
4. Consistency: Intimate partners often think of them as a heavenly couple, not two completely separated individuals. They show a high degree of consistency, which means they identify with the integration of the two sides in life!
5. Trust: People believe that intimacy doesn’t hurt and expect their partner to meet their demands and focus on their own well-being. If this trust is lost, intimate partners often become suspicious and suspicious, undermining the unique cheerfulness, frankness, and interdependence of intimate relationships!
6. Commitment: Intimacy usually promises their intimacy in the hope that it will last until the wasteland is old, and that a great deal of time, manpower and material resources will be invested in it. Once this promise is lost, once the love of lovers, intimate friends will become increasingly distant, look divine!
Not all of these six aspects appear in intimacy, and anyone element can appear alone in intimacy. But what is certain is that the higher the intimacy, the greater the fit with these six elements! In general, the most satisfying and meaningful intimacy should include all the characteristics of an intimate relationship!
There is no single pattern of intimacy. The most basic characteristics of interpersonal relationships: diverse variety, different specifications.
“Relationship riddles—-what is intimacy relationship”
This universal and strong internal drive to build intimacy with others may be human nature!
In intimate relationships, there is a need for belonging, and if this need is not met, all kinds of problems can occur!
When the need for belonging is met, our internal drive to build relationships decreases (and therefore the quality of relationships is more important than quantity)
Belonging needs and who our partners are not much to do with, as long as they can give me continued love and tolerance, our belonging needs will be met!
The power of belonging is also demonstrated by the intense stress response that people exhibit when they are extremely lonely for a long time and that anything that poses a threat to intimacy is unacceptable! (When our cherished relationships are in crisis, we tend to get lost and become crazy.)
Attribution requires the strongest evidence: research into the physiological benefits of intimacy. (1. Happiness, health, longevity; 2. Reducing stress response to danger; 3. Reducing pain, faster wound healing; 4. Stronger immunity, longer life; 5. happier marriage)
Even if the relationship is not happy, most people with a partner still feel much more fulfilled than the complete widow
Attribution needs are the product of the long-term evolution of mankind and gradually become the common natural tendency of all.
Care very much about what others think of themselves, and strive to seek the approval and close contact of others!
In general, our well-being depends on the satisfaction of belonging needs!
(ii) The impact of personal experience
Types of attachment:
（1. Some babies who are hungry, wet and frightened can find that they will soon be carefully cared for and cared for. A cared-for baby can comfortably rely on others, feel that others can be trusted, and get security and kindness from others. As a result, these children develop a safe attachment: they are happy to interact with others, and it is easy to develop easy and trusting relationships with others.
“Relationship riddles—-what is intimacy relationship
（2. If the care of the child by an elder is unpredictable and not sustainable, the caregiver is sometimes enthusiastic, sometimes absent-minded, anxious, and sometimes not at all. These children develop anxious, complex emotions with others and this type of attachment is anxiety-contradiction: these children become strained and over-reliance on others because they are uns sure whether and when their caregivers will return to take care of themselves, demonstrating excessive greed for others.
（3. If an old man is reluctant to do so with a rejection or hostility. Children will think that others are unreliable, and therefore in other people’s relationships flinching, showing evasive attachment: evasive attachment of children often doubt and anger others, not easy to form trust and intimate relationships.
These types of attachment were vivid in children, but it wasn’t until the researchers found that adults showed similar reactions when dealing with intimacy.
If people avoid intimacy with others, there are two different reasons:
（1. People expect to socialize with others but are wary of others for fear of being rejected and deceived.
（2. People are independent, self-supported, really like me and freedom in, rather than with others to have a close attachment relationship
There are four types of attachment for adults:
The first: Safe: the same as a child’s safe attachment.
The second: obsessive type: this type of person to feel at peace, too dependent on the praise of others, so he is too much to seek recognition, indulge in relationships, fear of relationship breakdown
Third: Avoid fear: fear of rejection and try to avoid intimacy with others, although they want someone to like themselves, but more worried about being inseparable from others.
The fourth type: avoiding alienation: the thought of intimacy with others is not worth it. They refuse to depend on others because they believe they can be self-reliant and don’t care if others like them.
The distinction between the four types of attachment lies mainly in two dimensions: avoiding intimacy and worrying about being abandoned!
Correct understanding of attachment types: there are two important factors of anxiety and avoidance, which shape all the adaptive behaviours that people exhibit in their interpersonal relationships. Both factors are important, and if you compare high- and low-score people in any dimension, you’ll find that they handle relationships in very different ways!
“Relationship riddles—-what is intimacy relationship”
1. The type of attachment appears to be people’s adaptation to interpersonal relationships, which is largely learned from the experience of interacting with others. Usually, we bring the lessons we’ve learned into new relationships!
2. It is a two-way process in which all manifestations of behaviour in turn affect the other person’s treatment of one’s own behaviour. Personality and emotional performance will get the same feedback!
3. Our experience plays an even greater role in shaping post-shaping attachment relationships! Usually, safe mothers will have safe children, unsafe mothers will have unsafe children, but trained unsafe mothers are more likely to have safe children than untrained mothers
There is no doubt that young people apply what they have learned from home to their future relationships
4. We do not passively accept the constraints of childhood experiences, as attachment types are constantly influenced by what we experience as adults. Since attachment types are learned, they can all change.
5. Although the type of attachment can be changed, once established, stability is durable and affects people’s newly established relationships and strengthens their own behavioural tendencies. Without new ups and downs, people’s attachment types can last for decades.
Our general view of the nature and value of intimacy is determined by the experience of the intimacy we experience.
Our childhood perception of the value of interpersonal communication and the credibility of others stems from our dealings with caregivers, and because of good luck, we move on to a close relationship of fear of trust and fire.
This journey never stops, and the obstacles or help that our peers then give can change the direction and process of our intimate relationship.
It seems that different interpersonal experiences, the type of face we learn can change over time, but also permanently stable!
(4) The influence of individual differences
We’ll explore the nature of individual differences (which are usually gradual and weak rather than suddenly dramatic!). ）
We want to clarify how individual differences affect the behaviour of intimate partners
Four aspects: gender difference, sexual identity difference, personality difference, self-esteem difference
Individual differences are the more important forces that influence interpersonal communication.
(1) Gender differences
Gender differences refer to biological differences between sexes that originate in the body.
First: most people’s talent or ability is only slightly better or slightly better than average;
Second: Extreme levels of most traits, i.e. traits that are too high or too low, are rare.
Stereotypes exist in the general perception of both sexes, overstating the differences in interests, styles and abilities between the sexes.
The study reveals three important ideas about benign differences:
1. Some gender differences do exist, but they are very small
2. Differences in behaviour and perspectives within the sexes are often much greater than the average differences between the sexes.
3. Because the behaviours and views of both sexes are so well-matched in their normal distribution, many people in even genders with low average scores score higher than the average score of the other sex!
1. Because there are so many commonalities between the sexes, the similarities are far greater than the differences in many dimensions of interpersonal research!
2. Gender differences in intimate relationships are not as important and significant as is generally believed.
3. Gender differences exist on the premise of greater similarities between the sexes and are not significant compared to the magnitude of change in humanity as a whole.
(2) Differences in sexual identity
Sexual identity differences refer to social and psychological differences between the sexes caused by culture and education, or gender.
1. It is not easy to discern the differences between sexual psychology and sexual identity, as social expectations, educational training and biological gender differences are often confused.
2. The best example of sexual identity is gender roles, the “normal” patterns of behaviour that society and culture expect for both sexes. For example, men tend to be “tool-oriented” men, they should be confident, independent, bold, capable, strong, women should be inclined to “express” femininity, they should be warm, sensitive, sentimental, friendly.
3. However, stereotypes are not as realistic as you might think, with only half of them meeting the expectations of gender roles, and a significant number (35%) having both gender traits (tool type and expression), thus being called “bisexual” and making them more harmonious than the interpersonal relationships of a single-gender role!
4. Toolability and expression are valuable traits, and people who are happy, adaptable, efficient and mentally healthy often have both sets of skills.
5. Traditional gender roles encourage men to be more “instrumental” but deprive them of the skills they could have become better husbands. (not very warm, gentle, sensitive); gender roles encourage women to be more “expressive” but deprive them of skills that may be more independent (confident, bold, independent)
There are many categories of personality, such as “nine personality” and “big five personality traits”.
Personality experts refer to these key characteristics as “big five traits”, the importance of the low to high in the order.
1. Openness: imaginative, unruly, artistic, corresponding to rigidity, rigidity and dogmatism.
2. Extrovertedness: cheerful, group-friendly, enthusiastic, social, corresponding to caution, introvertedness and shyness.
3. Due diligence: hard-working, reliable, orderly, corresponding to unreliability and carelessness.
4. Human nature: compassion, cooperation, trust, corresponding to irritability, irritability and hostility.
5. Neurotic: the degree to which it is a fable, prone to worry, anxiety, and anger
Note: Personality affects interpersonal relationships much more than interpersonal relationships affect personality
（4. Self-esteem – self-evaluation in interpersonal communication
Most people like themselves and some people don’t like themselves. The evaluation of self constitutes self-esteem. Self-esteem is an evolving mechanism that meets our belonging needs.
Self-esteem evaluation mechanism: 1. If they like us, we like ourselves; if others treat us positively and value our relationship, self-esteem level is high; 2. If we can’t attract attention — if others don’t seem to care if we’re going to get involved in their lives — self-esteem levels are low.
Whether we realize it or not, self-evaluation in many areas seems to be greatly influenced by what we think of others, and so is the world. (Imagine)
The difference between high-self-esteem and low-self-esteem: We all need to balance our relationships with others with self-protection, but low-self-esteem always puts their fragile self-esteem above intimacy.
Our understanding of ourselves comes from relationships with others and influences the subsequent development of relationships.