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We find that there seem to be a lot of people who are troubled by this. Concerns about hesitating to start/join the conversation are probably:

I always feel like what I’m saying is going to ruin the atmosphere, and I don’t think anyone wants me to stand here.

When you want to join the conversation, but feel that what you want to say is not “interesting” at all, others should not listen to it.

“30 days no contact—-If you don’t come to me, I won’t come to you”

When everyone chats, I’m like waiting for a “talking traffic light” and always want to wait until I can talk at the green light time, but the green light is too short for me to catch.

If I send a Whatsapp to someone first, someone might feel obligated to talk to me, but I don’t know if the other person really wants to talk to me.

If the other person wants to talk to me, Ta should contact me on his own initiative.

Occasionally, someone on social software says, “Maybe if you take the initiative, we’ll have a story.”

Yet these people never take the initiative to say hi, but just look over and over again at the address book lying in the hundred and eighty friends, over and over again missed.

What’s behind not being actively contacting others/joining the conversation?

“30 days no contact—-If you don’t come to me, I won’t come to you”

Mark Tyrrell, an American psychologist, argues that being afraid to reach out/join a conversation is one of the problems of interpersonal interaction and boils down to “not being afraid to start a conversation”, which may be related to your own self-esteem.

Self-esteem is a person’s general assessment of the self and our judgment of our own values. A self-respecting person who dares to express his opinion and seek to be associated with others, even if his or her opinion is not recognized, is not funny or does not reply when he or she actively chats with someone, their self-esteem does not collapse and they do not feel shameless.

Low self-esteem, on the other, has a low opinion of self. They are afraid of causing trouble and annoyance to others. Feel that their needs, views may not be important to others, they need others to contact themselves, perhaps only so that they can determine that the other person needs themselves, or the other side does not hate themselves.

Low self-esteem is always avoiding challenges, and they try to avoid challenging situations that can lead to failure. Perhaps the self-respecting readers who are reading the article can not appreciate, but for low self-esteem, to take the initiative to send a message to others is better than let them go bungee jumping, no matter bungee jumping again afraid, anyway, a closed eye down, but sent a “Hi, what are you doing” after others did not reply to those seconds or minutes, really like waiting for sentencing.

Heart infinite roar: “Ah afinished he did not return my message, The must think I am very annoying, hey, I should not send a message, and annoying.”

So low self-esteem to avoid this waiting to be sentenced, to avoid the imaginary failure, so even try not to dare, they formed a very special way of getting along with others, “If you come to me, I will reply to you, but I will never take the initiative to find you.” ”

But there are also some people evolved into “you come to me to chat I really happy, but I dare not talk to you more, because I am afraid to say more you will find me annoying, will not like me.” ”

These low-self-respecting people who do not want to actively contact others are likely to be mistaken for being cold, alienated, and not close, but in fact, this alienation is a defence that they do not know how to choose when they are good.

Why am I afraid to contact someone else?

1. Lack of stable and secure attachment

Attachment relationships with timely and emotional responses in childhood are the basis of individual self-esteem. If parents are insensitive to their children’s physical and mental needs, unable to meet or even ignore them promptly, it can cause emotional frustration and trauma, “even if I express my needs, there will be no response, no one will meet me.” ”

This trauma caused by a lack of stability and safe attachment is constantly projected into interactions with others as children reach adults. They are afraid to express their need for others, even as if they “don’t need to contact others”.

“I acted like I didn’t like anything because I never got what I wanted.”

2. Negative core beliefs perpetuate low self-esteem

The School of Cognitive Behavior believes that negative core beliefs are the factors that sustain low self-esteem.

Childhood patterns of behaviour lead us to a strong, stable, deeply rooted belief in ourselves, others, and the world, which we call “core faith.”

And the core belief of low self-esteem is “I am very bad”, so low self-esteem will always back down and avoid, their own doubts and blame, “you certainly do not want to ignore me so bad”, “I am such a person, send you a message is also annoying you, or don’t.”

How do I take the first step to change?

1. Record your negative beliefs

Negative beliefs are divided into many levels, and perhaps the core beliefs at the bottom cannot be shaken for a while, but we can start with easier and more obvious external beliefs, write them down, and try to look at them objectively. The more specific these beliefs are, for example, “I don’t think my friends like me” and “I think I send a message to him, who will never reply to me.”

2. Look for supporting evidence to refute it

Low self-esteem is often negative, they only remember their own experience of failure, out of trouble, criticized. We need to challenge our negative memories and turn negative thoughts into questions: “Do friends really dislike me?” “Is Ta really never returning my message?” Then try to find positive memories and answer these questions, and you may find that you are far less bad than you think.

In fact, people who are afraid of annoying rarely really annoying, really annoying people never feel that they are in trouble with others.

3. Understand that change is never easy

Don’t force yourself to read this article, immediately go to publish white information to their favourite but dare not contact people, or force themselves to talk to others, first understand that change is never easy, try to do something small. Step by step rebuilds your confidence to start reaching out to others.

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