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When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.” ——Madeleine L’Engle

What is vulnerability? Vulnerability is the emotional state that we feel easy in the face of life’s uncertainties, risks, and when we need emotional input (Brown, 2006; Seltzer, 2008)。 Unlike some other emotional states (e.g. happiness, fear, etc.), it is not easy for people to feel vulnerable for long periods of time. People feel more vulnerable in a flash, and then immediately turn into self-defence evoked by the vulnerability. This defensive state manifests it ite as other emotional states. And different people, when feeling vulnerable to show the main emotional state is also different. We propose two different types here (it’s worth noting that these two emotions are not either, we’re just talking about which one occupies a more primary, more central position)

When they feel vulnerable, they take the initiative to seek relationships in the hope of being cared for and comforted by others, thereby resolving their feelings of vulnerability. The second person, feeling vulnerable, feels ashamed of the core emotional state. That is, a shame for one’s own worth. Not only do they worry that others won’t help themselves, they even feel they don’t deserve anyone else’s attention at all (Stosny, 2013). They won’t be as willing to ask for it as the first person. It’s very difficult to even tell your inner thoughts. When they feel vulnerable, they tend to isolate themselves from others. Things that enhance their recognition of their sense of value can resolve their sense of vulnerability. Two types of people who express different emotions when they are vulnerable are, to some extent, “complementary”. People who are prone to fear are willing to accept things that may be ashamed when necessary to avoid fear (e.g., by lowering their profile); At the same time, the two are “mutually exclusive” and not easy to understand each other.

“Do guys find vulnerability attractive and what is vulnerability?”

In either case, the vulnerability can also have an interesting effect, allowing us to perceive our vulnerability as someone else’s problem – “projection”. For example, in an intimate relationship, an individual has reservations because he or she is “afraid that his or her heart is not good in return”, but often blames the other person for not being honest. This is a manifestation of projecting one’s own vulnerability on the other person. Why do we need to remain “vulnerable”?

What about our “vulnerability”? Studies in psychology tell us the answer is yes.

1. Those who remain “vulnerable” are more attractive than those who pretend that they instinctually prefer the real thing, while in fact, every adult knows in his heart that the world is chaotic and imperfect (Seppala, 2014). In life, those who remain vulnerable are often more likely to become one of the most popular people in a group. Because they tend to be more relaxed, more easy-going in person, and more complete and authentic. In front of such people, others will also feel less pressure, do not have to worry about “offending”, and do not feel “judged”, this truth will make others more trustworthy, but also give others space and permission to remain equally vulnerable.

2. Maintaining vulnerability is the key to human interaction

Aron (1997) did a study that randomized two or two people who didn’t know each other and asked me for 45 minutes based on a given question. One group got some shallow questions, such as “Your favourite TV festival”, “Your favourite festival” and so on. The other group got deeper questions, including, “Love is the role in your life,” and “What was the saddest thing you ever shared with someone?” “And so on.” At the end of the question, both parties in each combination need to rate each other’s intimacy. It was found that the combinations in the second group (those who answered deeper questions) rated each other more closely than the first group. Further research also found that the second group rated intimacy even higher than 30 percent of those who were good friends. More interestingly, many of the second group of people who participated in the study became friends and even lovers after the study ended. Also, the Medical News Today (2012) survey found that frank interaction with each other is conducive to improved relationships between people. At the same time, after interviews with thousands of people, Bren? Brown found that remaining vulnerable was the key to human interaction (Seppala, 2014).

“Do guys find vulnerability attractive and what is vulnerability?”

3. Suppressing vulnerability can be counterproductive. Deliberately showing perfection and strength to get close to others tends to be counterproductive (Seppala, 2014). In James Gross’s study, people found that when we deliberately hide our feelings and show insanity, the other person can perceive them. Although he doesn’t necessarily breakthrough, their physiological response, a rise in blood pressure, is an honest expression of what they think inside. This physiological response also explains the uncomfortable feelings we feel when we get along with hypocritical people. Also, repressed vulnerability does not disappear completely, and may translate into other emotional manifestations, such as anger. In intimate relationships, those who do not allow themselves to be vulnerable, in times of vulnerability, will be vulnerable to that common misunderstanding of vulnerability Fragile is a normal, universal emotional state. But there are often too many misconceptions about vulnerability (her hekovsky, 2013), the most common of which are: Misconception 1: In this world, one can choose not to be vulnerable, vulnerability is not only in love but in fact vulnerability is everywhere. In a variety of relationships, including work relationships, there is a misleading 2: Vulnerability equals weakness Many people think that allowing themselves to be vulnerable is a sign of weakness. Not really (Seppala, 2014). The people who allow themselves to be vulnerable are those who are new to a group of people who are willing to smile and introduce themselves and meet new people, and those who are not confident but are willing to take on challenges and try tasks they have never done before. It’s like seeing and acknowledging your problems clearly, a very capable expression; Myth 3: Not hiding vulnerability means exposing yourself to its shortness Some people think that “allowing yourself to be vulnerable” is to open up your secrets in public and talk about your pain. In fact, on the contrary, the vulnerability has borders (Seppala, 2014). Vulnerability is also degreed. The way to mature is that you show yourself varying degrees of vulnerability in front of different people, depending on the boundaries between you, step by step. Those of us who are willing to make no secret of our vulnerability before him are those who have earned our trust. Otherwise, it’s you who put yourself in a position where you’re more vulnerable.

How should we “remain vulnerable” when we are used to self-defence? Here we introduce self-affirmation and self-comfort, two important tools that can help us unload our defences. Self-affirmation means that we do not deny ourselves because of failures and mistakes, nor do we allow the consequences of our actions to define self-worth (Seltzer, 2008). To understand that you are a larger whole than what you have done, “you are more than your past is hikes”. This self-affirmation is not a way to agree with what we have done (re-emphasizing the distinction between acceptance and approval), nor to encourage us to ignore morality and conscience, but rather to pull the “I” away from the failures I have encountered. What I do is no longer me, but a decision and a choice I make in the face of the situation. When we can understand our failures only as actions and events, we no longer need to seek excuses or fall into eternal self-denial. The process is our recognition of “the rationality of this emotion” and then we regain a sense of control over our emotions.

Share, but be aware that when people are at a stage of mutual understanding, sincerity and excessive self-exposure maybe just a line in the away. Staying vulnerable doesn’t mean we need to show each other all without reservation at the beginning of a relationship. Research by social psychologist S. Tsan Trefer has found that gradually sharing yourself is more conducive to the development of relationships (Self, 2015).

Showing real life without “filters” In real life At the beginning of a relationship, we often want to show each other a perfect self. But in the process of getting along, those real things will inevitably come to light (Self, 2015). At the same time, maintaining a perfect image can be exhausting for an individual in a long-term relationship. If you want short-term pleasure, running the perfect first impression may help you get what you want, but if you want a long-term partner, show the truth in your life. Being vulnerable has the potential to put us in a difficult position or even get hurt. But it is conducive to our good interpersonal relationships, but also conducive to the development and maturity of our personality. Staying vulnerable also allows one person to maximize their potential and achieve more – they are more willing to keep learning the unknown and take on greater challenges.



1. Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society, 87(1), 43-52.

2. Seltzer, L.F. (2008). The power to be vulnerable. Psychology Today. 3. Seppala, E. (2014). Why being vulnerable is the key to intimacy. Fulfillment Daily

4. Simmons, M. (2014). To create a real connection, show vulnerability. Harvard Business Review.

5. Stosny, S. (2013). What’s your core vulnerability? Psychology Today. 6. kovsky, M. (2013). 3 Myths about vulnerability. Psychology Central.


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