Why do patients with borderline personality disorder always drive away those close to them frequently?
It looks as if BPD patients “always want to drive away people close to them.” This phenomenon does exist. But in the vast majority of cases, BPD patients do not “want” to drive away those close to them, and their actions or statements ultimately lead to the breakdown of intimacy, which does not mean that they want to do so, nor does it mean that they can do so. On the contrary, many times, after an intimate relationship breaks down, BPD patients fall into extreme self-blame, guilt, humiliation, and regret, and they don’t want this to happen. Overall, it is a series of BPD conditions that seriously interfere with the ability of BPD patients to obtain and maintain intimate relationships, and the loss of interpersonal relationships in BPD patients has little to do with personal subjective will, which in itself is one of the core conditions of BPD.
It is more difficult for people who have experienced BPD to maintain new intimacy, and sometimes the interaction patterns between BPD patients and the other side can also affect the quality of relationships, which need to be taken into account. In this way, in any relationship, there are two parties, X and Y. Here X is a BPD patient and Y is a non-BPD patient, so the quality of the relationship between X and Y depends on three factors: X, Y, and X and Y interactions. X is an important factor, but not all.
Friends familiar with statistics may know that an analytical method is called ANOVA, and so on, we look not only at the main effect of X, but also the effect of Y, and the effect of X and Y. It’s just a metaphor, and it may not be very accurate. Let me briefly say my thoughts here, and there are probably four key points, and then I’ll use the research data to explain further:
What is borderline personality disorder relationships and cheating 1. A large proportion of BPD patients have experienced significant traumatic experiences that are long-term and interpersonal, such as child abuse (including physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, sexual, sexual, intimate, violent, and so on). So many of the people close to BPDs may be the source of their trauma (such as parents who have been abusive or long-term denials, violent companionship, etc.), and it is normal for BPD to be in such a pro-air relationship with new behaviours or statements to “get rid of the other person”. Then because of the traumatic experience, BPD patients were in
There is no abusive relationship, it is also easier to act or make statements to “get rid of the other person.”
2. The most central and fundamental condition of BPD patients is the experience of significant emotional loss, which means that they regularly experience extreme negative emotions that last for a long time, and BPD patients do not have the ability, skills, experience, confidence to manage these negative emotions, which in turn can cause unbearable pain. When emotions get out of control, coupled with higher impulsivity, BPD patients tend to have a cognitive loss
(cognitive dysregulation), behavioural out-of-control(behavioural dysregulation), self-identity out-of-control (identity dysregulation), and interpersonal dysregulation. For example: because of the other person’s heartless words, a vague body language, a subtle facial expression, she thinks the other person in the decision to determine their feelings, and then produced strong anger (emotional out of control); “For example, threatening to break up, leaving immediately, or even smashing objects and attacking (behaviour out of control); after something happens, she feels strange, fearful, empty, not knowing who she really is or what she wants (self-identity out of control); and after an outbreak, she may repeatedly apologize to the other person, imploring the other person not to leave herself until the next outbreak, so high and low (relationships out of control).
What is borderline personality disorder relationships and cheating 3. In addition to BPD disorders, BPD patients tend to have certain personality traits and interpersonal interaction behaviours (e.g., BPD patients want to dominate intimacy), while BPD’s intimate partners often have certain interpersonal interactions. These people’s interpersonal interaction behaviour will produce interaction, produce more negative interpersonal communication patterns, which in turn leads to poor quality of the relationship, relationship breakdown. Here’s another point, and I think it’s important to add:
4. The out-of-control behaviour of BPD patients (e.g., a series of “drives people close to them”) is constantly reinforced, either to the benefit of BPD patients or to “confirm” the negative beliefs of BPD patients about intimacy, so it continues to occur over and over again. For example, if a BPD patient thinks “the other person doesn’t care about me,” “no one can trust me,” “everybody hates me,” “I don’t deserve to be loved,” “I’m bound to be abandoned in the end,” then emotions can arise when any negative information is detected (and may not even be negative) Out-of-control, out-of-control behaviour, maybe on the spur of the moment, will say some very hurt, or make some negative behaviour, such as breaking up, to the other side of the language or physical attack, throwing things, anger, escape the other side, disappear, suicide self-harm and so on. So what happens when this behaviour gets out of hand? There are two possibilities:
1. BPD patient’s partner will take the initiative to “show loyalty”, constantly tell BPD patients how much they love her, constantly tell BPD patients what she believes is wrong, and even begged BPD patients not to leave themselves, despite a series of acts of harm to themselves.
2. BPD patients’ partners will be hurt, and then will experience a variety of negative emotions, under the negative emotional effects (e.g., anger, depression, injury), will make some corresponding impulsive behaviour, such as breaking up, yelling out, speaking out their dissatisfaction, “old accounts cleared together”, criticizing each other, leaving hands and so on.
A friend asked: So as a partner of BPD / close people around us, how should we deal with BPD patients’ relationships out of control? This can be difficult to do, and I have the following suggestions:
1. BPD patients need to undergo a comprehensive, formal diagnosis, diagnosis of BPD, and then professional treatment (such as dialectical behavioural therapy DBT), which is the most fundamental solution.
2. To deal with the interpersonal interaction behaviour of BPD patients, we should be dialectical, stable and principled. On the one hand, express disingy at these out-of-control behaviours but understandably express that they are indeed hurt, and on the other hand, to clarify the facts and clarify the nature of the relationship (e.g., you do not deny the other person’ meaning).
First, all of the intimate relationships (family members, partners, etc.) of BPD patients have a high probability of being abusive, negative, and unhealthy in themselves. BPD patients are also more likely to have problems in new intimate relationships because they have experienced abusive relationships before. Let’s look at two related articles: (2012) A study of 109 women with mental illness included 32 people with BPD, 43 people with a non-BPD personality disorder, and 34 patients with the non-personality disorder (but those 34 patients had other mental illnesses, such as anxiety, depression, etc.). They investigated the patients’ childhood traumatic experiences and measured their BPD symptoms. It was found that there was a significant relationship between emotional abuse and sexual abuse and BPD symptoms. Are BPD patients experiencing more abusive relationships? You can see this table below:
Their current condition was measured and their reported traumatic experiences were verified through their family members. There are several important results:
1. BPD patients experienced more verbal and physical abuse within the family than the other two groups. 2. Compared to the other two groups, BPD patients were more likely to experience domestic and external abuse at a young age.
3. The more abuse/trauma experience you experience, the more symptoms of mental illness you experience. You can refer to the table below: As can be seen above, the proportion of BPD patients who have experienced various forms of abuse is much higher than that of anorexia patients and healthy people.