When all goes well, love can feel beautiful and powerful, but it also has another side: the sadness of losing love, often referred to as a breakup.
Breaking up can disrupt your plans, raise your self-awareness, and tear your social life in half, literally or symbolically, making you feel snubbed. To make matters worse, there is no real way to know how long the pain of a break-up will last, whether it’s a few days or years of constant thought.
Needless to say, everyone is different, every relationship is different, every breakup is different. As a result, no rule or guideline applies to every new person. This means that advice that might help a newly divorced father in his 40s may not be of much use to a 14-year-old who is breaking his heart for the first time, and vice versa.
But that doesn’t mean there’s no good or bad advice for someone who’s just been abandoned. Some suggestions will go a long way; others are more likely to cause further pain.
AskMen spoke to two therapists who specialize in interpersonal issues, regardless of your situation, to find some of the best ways to recover from a breakup in a healthy, holistic way. What they have to say is:
How to cope with a breakup? 1. Confirm your feelings
One of the most important steps in truly overcoming a relationship is to realize that it is over now. Boys are often taught to hide or suppress their emotions at a young age and need to “stand up” or be tough, which may help you get along with other boys, but it’s the exact opposite of what you need to overcome your difficulties.
As Janet Brito, a sex therapist, points out, really clearing up your feelings of loss and sadness is an important step in overcoming them.
“If you suppress your grief, it doesn’t mean it’s gone,” she explains. “Instead, it can manifest itself as feelings of anger, anxiety, or anger that affect your interactions with others, because when you’re really eager to understand and connect with others, you may find yourself pushing others away and isolating yourself, or emotionally supporting them.”
But, she says, if “if you allow yourself to recognize and experience other emotions that accompany grief, such as loss, disappointment, sadness, or regret, then it can give people a deeper human experience and enable people to discover the level of truth.” authenticity and vulnerability. ”
According to Brito, this can take the form of asking yourself questions about the exact nature of grief, trying to find the physical feelings associated with it, or expressing it in some way – whether it’s writing your feelings in a breakup diary, running, writing your feelings in a diary, or connecting with others.
How to cope with a breakup? 2. Contact people
It’s important to keep in touch with others when it’s about breaking up. In such a time, your instinct may be to retreat to a hidden nest, lick the wound privately, and not peep into your eyes. But just as hiding one’s emotions from yourself prevents recovery, so does hiding one’s own concerns.
Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-therapist at Viva Wellness, said: “There is ample evidence in social science that men tend to suffer a lot after a break-up due to social isolation. “While it’s hard to talk through a breakup, doing so can really help you reduce loneliness and get more support in the next steps.”
This can take many different forms, whether it is to get together with a close friend or a few people, join a club or league, volunteer in some capacity, or even do any of these activities remotely and digitally without any intervention. Interpersonal meetings – anything that keeps you socially engaged rather than isolated and lonely.
How to cope with a breakup? 3.Dodon’t rush to bounce back
After a breakup, you should pursue more platonic interaction than romance or sex.
Although you can build healthy relationships or make interesting connections during difficult times, you’re more likely to try to create something than acknowledge it, learn, and develop.
“One of the important things to remember if you want to go back to dating is that while the healing happens in relationships, it doesn’t happen because of relationships,” Caraballo said. “We can’t expect that just someone there will heal us.”
He added: “Healing is a purposeful process and we actively self-heal with the support of others, but no one can do this recovery for us.” ”
Finding a new friend to fill in the blanks in the short term may make you feel better, but it won’t help you deal with the feelings associated with your last breakup. In the end, if you’re not ready to move on, you may hurt the newcomer.
How to cope with a breakup? 4. Participate in your favourite pastimes
Instead of looking for excitement on dating apps, engage in your favourite pastimes and hobbies, or even rediscover the old passions you forgot when you last fell in love.
According to Brito, doing so “allows you to resonance with yourself and deepen your understanding of yourself, allowing you to create a fulfilling and fulfilling life that can be shared with others and passed on to future relationships.” ”
This can mean all sorts of things, depending on what you’re most excited about – try a new sport, get back to the top of the charts with the art form you’re passionate about, develop the skills you’ve always wanted, or something else.
Pursuing something makes you less likely to fall into post-breakup grief, especially if you pursue it with friends or others.
How to cope with a breakup? 5. Rest with your predecessor on social media
Consider how you use social media after a breakup, because some forms of online behaviour may be more conducive to overtaking someone, while others can lead to sadness, jealousy, and obsession.
As Brito points out, you can relax and watch your ex-boyfriends right after a breakup, especially in the struggle. This can take the form of a mute, block or unfold following your predecessor online, or it can take the form of social media breaks.
“If you’re not feeling comfortable and you’re frustrated, it’s best to take a break from social media to re-establish your emotions,” she said. “Seeing a post on social media can trigger and take you back to the first day after a breakup. You feel confused. Let yourself mourn and feel sad, but don’t salt your wounds by pestering your predecessor, as this will only do more harm and prevent you from experiencing inner peace and building new relationships. ”
If you feel like you have to check on your ex and feel unhealthy, consider having a trusted friend change your social media password a little to give you a breather. In the meantime, you can interact with people you care about by phone or video, e-mail, or face-to-face conversations without relying on social media.
6. Take good care of your body
A lot of things about dealing with breakups revolve around your mental health, but you must also take care of your body when considering the complex connection between our physical and mental health. Stressed mental health can put our physical health at risk, and poor physical health can worsen our mental health, so it is important to take seriously what our bodies do.
However, depending on your existing relationship with fitness, it may take different forms. For some, this means making sure you don’t get out of control with your drinking after a breakup. For others, this may mean making sure you eat a balanced diet, not just frozen pizza, or making sure you don’t overdo it during post-breakup workouts.
“It’s hard to assess whether we’re healthy after a breakup, especially when it’s really hard,” Caraballo said. “I think we’ll benefit the most from getting people who know us to examine us and provide them with attention and support when they find things are different (or if we venture into unhealthy areas). ”
Can someone else check your condition? Therapist. If you’re in a difficult place after a breakup, even if you don’t think you’re “wrong” in a broad sense, it’s probably the treatment you need.
“There is no right or wrong reason to get treatment,” Caraballo explains. “It’s important for people to know that whether you’re actively grieving or just want to understand what’s going on in your last relationship and your role in it, treatment is a space for recovery support.”
To benefit from talking to your therapist about your feelings, you don’t have to suffer from or may have a mental illness.
He continued: “This can be a difficult choice because it requires us to be open and vulnerable. “It’s important for everyone to know that whatever their motivations, the role of a therapist is not to make judgments or choices for you. Therapists there will help you achieve your goals and the treatments you need to achieve them. ”
How to distinguish between sadness and anxiety/depression after a rupture
“Depression is temporary, but if you can’t cope, get out of bed, go to work, or have thoughts that hurt you or others, you’re likely to experience seizures,” she said. ”
In this case, pursuing your favourite pastime or taking care of your body may only go that far. Staying in touch with professionals should be the first thing on your list (or if you feel like you’re alone, find someone you care about to help you do it).
If you need to find a therapist near you, you can find a therapist in all 50 states in Psychology Today. If you are frustrated and need to talk to someone immediately, consider calling 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or using this online chat service.