After a breakup, a lot of people always wonder how their ex is doing – how’s he doing with me? Who did he go out with again?I Can’t Stop Facebook-Stalking My Ex .
Even though we’ve been so hard-hearted that we don’t want to look back, we still remember our predecessor and can’t help but stalk him on various social platforms.
What’s the reason we all stalk? Why is stalk so addictive that it makes us remember our predecessors? Want to stop stalk, is it possible?
1. Even if we put it down, why I can’t stop facebook-stalking my ex ?
(1) Regain control
People who feel more out of control in their last relationship have a higher frequency of stalk.
Through stalk, we can control part of each other’s information without exchanging any information about ourselves. Under the influence of this information, we feel that we have regained some control.
Not only that, but we may also be in the stalking process, unconsciously looking for can enhance their own initiative “breakthrough”, for example: using the other side to stimulate themselves more forward, and so on. The underlying motivation for these actions is also to regain control of life.
(2) Seek relief
When we are negatively stimulated by the outside world, or even by the impact of the world view, we often feel an imbalance in our hearts – “He hurt me, why can he live well?” I Can’t Stop Facebook-Stalking My Ex .
In this case, we are stuck in the “past” of the bump, nailed to the “victim” seat. And stalk’s real purpose is to seek relief.
We look for answers from our former social accounts that confirm our imaginations, hoping to release this past by seeing each other’s “repentance” or “refrigeration” and adjusting the balance of inner imbalance.
After just leaving an intimate relationship, many people feel like “I’m not me anymore.” This is because we have lost our important role as “someone’s partner”. Identity feels threatened and can even have an impact on our sense of being. At this point, we need to regain our independence and create a new sense of identity. And in this difficult process, we need a transitional object that brings us stability and security in difficult times. In the end, we can feel that “although I am not one with this person, I still exist and exist independently”.
In the course of this transition, the news of our predecessors has allowed us to still have a weak connection with this person so that when there is a threat, we can look back at “charge” and gain the strength to move forward.
2. Attention to the predecessor may be addictive
Whatever reason you start “stalk”, there’s a good chance that you’ll find yourself in a strange circle after a while:
Every once in a while, I automatically open my predecessor’s Whatsapp, FB, Ins… Then it stopped; first, he turned over all the posts he had made public in a few years (which one you might have deleted better than himself) and then linked to the accounts of his family, current, or even current friends.
And every time you go through this cycle, your negative emotions take a long time to recover. This pain has a serious impact on your personal life, but even then you can’t give up on it.
Stalk can’t stop because its essence is actually an addiction.
Psychologist Guy Winch believes that stalk addiction is due to the brain deceiving us (Winch, 2018).
Research on the brain suggests that the brain mechanisms initiated by a love affair are the same as those used by addicts to get away from substances such as cocaine or opium. In the context of intimacy, our “addiction” is “being with our predecessors”, but it can no longer be sustained, so the brain chooses to use stalk as a painkiller, feeling that the other person is still in our lives, temporarily relieving the pain.
But in the end, our “addiction” will get heavier, the pain will get deeper and deeper, and the “threshold” of pain relief will get higher and higher. As a result, as time went on, we became deeper into the pain of the quarrying.
Winch suggests that the brain deceives us in two main ways, making our stalk behaviour difficult to stop and making us more and more mindful of our predecessors:
(1) Find out the “truth” deception: “What is the real reason for the break-up?” “
The reasons for the break-up may be very bland, or even the break-up of the relationship may not have a specific “real reason” at all. Therefore, we always try in vain to find the “truth” through the stalk.
We are caught up in endless “cause-seeking” and find it hard to help ourselves in stalk’s behaviour.
(2) Idealized deception: “You have lost the best possible!” ”
After we break up, another common tendency is to idealize the person who breaks our hearts. Seeing the plausible posted on each other’s social networks, the brain allows us to see only the best of his new life, and only to think of the glittering virtues that have attracted you.
And this makes us think that we have lost the “best possible” in life, and thus more reluctant to get out of the nostalgia, can only rely on stalk behaviour to maintain “contact” with each other.
3. How to combat stalk addiction
Since stalk is an addiction, what can we do to combat it?
You can try to refer to the following steps:
When we’re bored, it’s so convenient to brush our predecessor’s tweets. This convenience makes the already difficult “addiction” operation even more difficult. Therefore, to have other things to do when we are bored, we can consciously develop some useful alternative behaviours for ourselves in advance.
For example: to exercise, to study, and even to watch TV. When you can’t control your hands again, tell yourself to put it off, watch it later, and now exercise.
Slowly, you’ll find that you’re delaying stalk longer and less and less, thinking of visiting your predecessor.
(2) Use “end” as a weapon to fight addiction
This end means that we consciously recognize the deception of the brain and psychologically accept the fact that the relationship is over.
To do this, it’s important to be clear that you’ll be satisfied without any explanation for breaking up. Love or not love, reunion, do not necessarily have a reason. Put this excuse down the next time you feel the urge to search for your ex and analyze the reasons. Tell yourself it’s just a brain scam, the last relationship is over and you don’t need to remember it anymore.
Earlier, we also mentioned that the brain “idealizes” us to feel that we have lost that “best possible”. To balance this idealization, we need to “reverse the action”.
For example, you can try to make a list of shortcomings on your phone and record the unhappy parts of your last relationship (e.g., your quarrels, his cheating on you, his bad habits, etc.). When you realize you’re nostalgic again, and you’re idealizing that relationship or person, stop and take out your phone and read the list.
In fact, no matter how the process of breaking up, whether the past is beautiful or painful, when we break up, we are forced to face separation and loss. It’s normal to think of a predecessor and occasionally want to know how his life has been lately. We may also be able to continue to live happily in our lives when we think of those we have lost in our lives.
However, the answer to the questions of whether stalk’s predecessor’s social network has become an addiction, and whether it has caused problems and stress in your life, is only clear to you.
May we all come out of every breakup smoothly and embrace a new life with hope.