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What is avoidance attachment?

Adult attachment is initially divided into three broad categories: secure attachment, which accounts for about 60 percent of the population, and anxiety, which is 20 percent, and avoidant attachment, which each accounts for 20 percent.

Here’s how avoidable attachments typically manifest in intimate relationships:

1.fear of intimacy

People who avoid attachment tend to resist intimate behaviours between partners, such as holding hands, hugging, sexual contact, and so on. Even when a partner expresses concern for himself, the shunning attachment person feels suffocated until he wants to avoid it.

Shunning attachments have a high demand for private space, and closer relationships can create a controlled fear. They are also on the defensive at all-time in the relationship, ready to close their “emotional valve” and withdraw from the relationship.

2. pseudo-independence

Avoiding attachment often suppresses their need for intimacy, saying that they are “not interested in falling in love” or “have trouble falling in love” and appear to be independent, so it is difficult for them to get into an intimate relationship.

Even when in love with extreme stressful events, shunning attachments try to pretend to be indifferent. For example, in the face of their partner’s threat to break up, they may also shrug and say: “Whatever you do, break up.” ”

3 “playboy

Another special manifestation of evasive attachment is that you’ve been looking for intimacy, but you’ve always been single, and you’ve always run when you’re done.

They also show a high level of commitment and enthusiasm at the beginning of a relationship, but once the relationship progresses or stabilizes, their apathy and retreat become apparent, through various ways to avoid further development of the relationship or to make excuses to break up.

The specific manifestation of the avoidable attachment

In addition to the main characteristics mentioned above, evasive attachment is expressed in many ways. In general, depression is their common strategy, and although it manifests it differently, it is essentially designed to avoid a desire for intimacy at the moment, such as:

Focus on picking on your partner’s shortcomings

Beautify your predecessor and think that a lost relationship is the best

Stay emetophobic and do not expose yourself

Like people who can’t socialize

The avoidable attachment also needs love and attachment, they just can’t pass on their love to each other, they can’t accept love from others.

How did evasive attachment come about?

Avoidable attachment sufferers often experience emotional neglect from their parents in childhood.

If a mother is not expecting, unprepared, or even full of remorse and disappointment in the birth of her child, she may treat the child indifferently and rarely respond.

Children, however, are born with the love and care of their mothers, but every time they have a desire and need for their mother’s attachment, they suffer from rejection.

Over time, out of self-protection, they make a helpless choice: avoid all attachment needs and intimacy, and convince themselves: “I don’t need it.”

How do you get along with people who avoid attachment?

If the people you like, the people you interact with, and your partner prefer evasive attachment, here are some suggestions for getting along with them:

1 Don’t force them.

If your shunning attachment partner is very close to you if you are away, don’t force them to accept it first.

Forcing or raging will only put them under more intense stress and become more recoiled.

2 Help them recognize and accept themselves.

What we can do is try to help avoid attachments understand themselves better, recognize the patterns of their behaviour and emotional responses, such as the circumstances in which they tend to avoid them, what are their unacceptable intimate behaviours, and so on.

3 Say what you want instead of playing Honeydick.

If you’re with someone who often ends up feeling uncomfortable, but it happens again and again, you’re always asking, “Why is this always the case?” “Why does Ta always hide from me?

This may be because you’ve been playing mind games, and both sides have entered an infinite loop of “Honeydick” that doesn’t break the communication pattern.

There’s not much to say about mental games, and to break this pattern, we need to perceive and express ourselves, focusing on what’s happening right now, rather than dealing with each other with experience. It requires us to keep practicing.

Backstage often receives a lot of messages, all with the same appeal: “I am evasive/anxious / fear type (are not safe) attachment, what should I do?” Do I have any more to save? ”

We do not advocate that a person needs to “correct” his or her attachment patterns. Each attachment is in fact a defensive pattern formed through one’s own experience, and the reason a person chooses to avoid intimacy must have protected him at some point in the past, generating positive feedback.

Attachment patterns do have far-reaching effects, but they are not completely fixed. We can reduce those aspects of attachment patterns that have a negative impact through introspection and adjustment. “By understanding the self of the past, we can liberate the self of the past and empower the self of the future.”


reference material:

Siegel, D. J. (1999). The developing mind (Vol. 296). New York: Guilford Press.
Rholes, W. S., Simpson, J. A., & Friedman, M. (2006). Avoidant attachment and the experience of parenting. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(3), 275-285.

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