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How to forget a person after a breakup?

First of all, why clearly and a person has long been separated, but still quit with his memories?

Divert your attention and focus your time and energy on more important things.

There are usually five reasons why one can’t let go of a person’s obsession

1. You just quit your relationship with him, but that doesn’t mean that the psychological or physical “mutual mode” of the two people has disappeared. 

That is to say, the time and experience you have experienced together have formed a relatively fit pattern, in reality, you to get along more harmoniously, to their own constantly repair, gradually complement each other, to form a relatively complete individual, and when the other side suddenly pulled away, not only his people but also your other half of life.

2. Loss of love, so that you produce an endorphin withdrawal reaction

Love lets your body release dopamine, which promotes the secretion of endorphins.

The so-called endorphins, more like an addictive pleasure, many addictive drugs will promote the secretion of morphine in the body, such as nicotine, and love loss, then cut off the secretion of endorphins, essentially with quitting smoking gambling is just as difficult, many people just can’t quit.

3. Sunken cost

Do you think two people have invested so much in this relationship, how can one thing be completely abandoned?

To live up to the once paid, some people think that the youth time is to pay, some money material input is to pay, their own body is to pay and so on, you would rather forgive the mistakes of the time, in the process you can not convince yourself to open.

4. Loss disgust

It’s an economic term that means that when you’re faced with risks and losses, you’re less likely to convince yourself to leave.

There is also a small psychological experiment to prove this theory, for example, for gambling people, if he won 200 yuan, and then do not play, it is easier.

But if he loses 200 and doesn’t play, it’s hard.

Win the money you will take the money to leave, bet lost but not willing to go.

Loss aversion means that when people face the same amount of gain and loss, the loss is even more unbearable.

5. The law of the tendency to complete

There is a tendency to present what is percussion in the best possible form.

After falling in love, you will over time continue to “perfect” the other person’s image in your mind, put his fantasy better and better, and then more reluctant to let go of him.

So how to scientifically and effectively put down the obsession, how to forget a person after a breakup?

You will suddenly find at some point that most of the reasons why you have an obsession with a person come from your psychological factors.

So we also have to wean our obsessions through scientifically effective methods.

There is a well-versed term for CBT therapy in counselling: goal disengagement

The first step, cognitive disengagement: accept the fact of a breakup

You have to learn to accept the facts and get yourself into the acceptance phase of the five stages of grief mentioned earlier as soon as possible.

Many people in the early parting, the reason for the pain, is unable to accept the reality, the heart does not recognize the fact of the break-up, so the greater the expectation, the greater the natural disappointment.

Some people in the break-up, eager to seek the support and comfort of those around them, others say a few words, regain confidence, or friends around you completely stand your angle to your partner to carry out downright criticism, are not objective, are also harming you, prolong your correct cognitive process.

When you think you coax him he will come back when you think he is just a temper when you think your feelings are deep enough for a long time will not really separate, his resolute attitude, will pour out your expectations, again and again, let your pain again and again.

It’s all because you didn’t accept the pain caused by the reality of the breakup, and he really decided to leave.

Whether you want to get out or save, the first step is to accept the fact of a breakup, because if you don’t accept it, you’re going to have two bad situations

1. You also want to save, your non-acceptance of reality will lead you to entanglement, will make the other side antipathy to you and farther away from you, make recovery more difficult.

2. If you want to put it down, your non-acceptance of reality will make you disappointed again and again, and more painful.

The second step, emotional separation: face up to your emotions, don’t force yourself to put them down!

As a consultant, why don’t I advise you to put it down?

1. As a qualified psychological consultant, at least one principle and professional criterion are that you can’t make decisions on bement of your client, especially giving up a relationship, which is as cruel and heartless as a doctor asking a patient to give up treatment, imagine how a seriously ill patient would feel if he heard the doctor tell him to give up treatment.

2. In fact, no one has the right to let a person give up a person he really likes, because you are not him, the world really does not have complete feelings, immediately how hard you come out of your own frame, trying to stand in each other’s perspective to consider. The person who advises you to give up doesn’t know the extent of your love for the person you like, or what you’ve been through.

This is very important, but also the point is to say, many people want to rely on their own will to forget a person, but have failed, why efforts for a long time did not really come out, I this is useless? Thus into self-blame self-doubt

I want you to know where your emotions come from and are the leader of them.

Next, we do a small experiment, according to my request to do, a very simple request: don’t think of a big white bear.

What do you think? Did you think about it? Are you really not thinking about it?

I think the answer should be no.

This is the very famous “white bear effect” also known as the white elephant effect, the rebound effect, from an experiment by the American social psychologist Daniel, he asked the experimenter not to imagine a white bear, the result of people’s thinking rebounded strongly, people quickly appeared in the mind of a white bear image.

Forcing yourself to put it down and forget it can only bring you two results:

1. Temporarily suppressed, just like the white bear experiment, the back will only be more repeated, there have been forced to put down their own people have had a similar experience, even if you this paragraph how hard to forget, the immediate temporary effect, but then will be more serious repetition again.

2. Because of forced down, the action is not active, not goal-oriented, missed opportunities.

Those who repeatedly force themselves to put down, often spend a lot of energy and time to fight with themselves, part of the day spent in memories, part of the time to persuade themselves to put down, every day in tangles, the real action force weakened, resulting in possible opportunities to come, also not sure.

What’s more: a lot of times, not putting it down is exactly the beginning of what you can really put down.

The third step, motivation away: don’t blame yourself, you don’t owe each other

You’re obsessed with him now because your motivation is still to be with the other person, so you’re more likely to be internally attributed, feel like the other person has screwed up the relationship, or feel like you owe each other a lot, so you’ll feel more regret and pain

So now all you have to do is convince yourself that you don’t owe him.

Many times, we are broken up, it will be easy to carry the fault, feel that their own mistakes caused by the break-up, this time to avoid self-blame.

Be sure to remember a word, even when together, you do not do well, then, when he abandoned you to leave you, you no longer owe him.

Many girls fall into the following misconceptions after a breakup:

Is it all my fault to break up?

It seems not necessarily, think of when you first met, you should also be you now, you also have these problems, but he is still like you, the pursuit of you, willing to be with you, it can be seen that when he broke up some of the reasons for the break-up may also be an excuse.

Do I have to leave if I’m not good enough?

No one is perfect, two people together should have a minimum sense of responsibility, if feel slightly not satisfied, or have a better appearance to leave, indicating that the other side is also a problem.

If so, then life later encounters more changes, he is not always leaving you? Those loving couples, between them, are all right?

Does self-blame work?

Now if you have been self-remorse, may miss a lot of opportunities, let tomorrow continue to regret today’s missed opportunity, so rather than self-blame better think about strategy, grasp the present, try to save him, and then make up for him.

Why didn’t I do that? If I had done that, wouldn’t I have broken up?

Maybe, but in fact, even if you a few words a few things were done at that time, in the long run, because you still have a lot of reasons not to understand, your fundamental problems have not been resolved, the result is likely to be the same will break up, just a little earlier and a little later.

Then I think it is better to break up a little earlier than later, because until marriage in divorce is worse, and early detection of the problem can solve the problem a little earlier, you can also take this opportunity to let both sides grow up, each side maybe because of this break-up more know how to cherish each other, and then come back together perhaps the future feelings will be more stable and happy.

I shouldn’t have been with him so quickly, I should have felt better in one way or another.

We can only make decisions at every moment based on what we thought at the time.

So no matter how bad your decision may seem right now, it’s what you thought was most reasonable and beneficial to you. Therefore, you have to learn to understand the original you, then, under that condition, you should make such behaviour and decisions, this is the real you.

So, there is nothing to regret and complain about, rather than regret the past, think about what to do next?

Don’t wait a while, and regret today’s inaction and missed opportunities, let yourself live forever in regret for the past.

I was deceived by him and hated that I hadn’t found out earlier.

It’s good to be cheated, nothing else, at least it’s an experience, and it’s enough to have fun.

At the same time, you can use this experience, let oneself grow up, later love will avoid similar to the occurrence of deception, is also a harvest.

Citing some of the myths women are prone to fall into, the ways to self-explain, and the way to introspective dialogue against the negative emotions of being broken up and lost, friends can think of these words over and over again when faced with feelings of self-blame.

The fourth step is to break away from the behaviour, to the new generation old, the behaviour is activated

1. New behaviour, instead of old behaviour

Now just lost love with you, I believe you may not want to do anything every day, or barely cope with the basic life.

Then this time, you need to make changes, to change your life state, to use behaviour to activate your emotions, behavior will affect the mentality, psychology of the body and mind. Let you

For example, exercise fitness learns to draw to get to know more friends to do things you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t do, such as where to travel.

You need to give yourself a whole new way of life and a new way of life.

Of course, it’s not easy for you, so you can find yourself some motivation to act, like, “I’m going to cheer myself up, I’m going to make myself better, so he’s going to like me again, or at least he’s going to regret losing such a good me.”

With your actions, you gain more confidence, your mindset and mood will improve, and as you get better and more positive, it’s possible that he’ll like you again, or you’ll meet better fate because of your good form.

2. Use new goals instead of old ones

There are only two ways to get out completely: 1. Save him. 2. Find a new lover.

Finding a new goal to divert attention is the most conventional and effective way: replace the old with the new

Try to expand your social circle, try to reach out to new people, although it is not easy for you, you also have to work hard to do, with new memories instead of old memories.

Of course, this is not to persuade you to put down but can be synchronized, in the recovery of his at the same time, to find other targets.

It’s not unfair to a new person, because you know that your goal in finding someone is not only to use him to forget the old but also to really start a new relationship.

In other words, you have to first determine your motivation for finding a new target: not just to forget the old, but to give yourself a possible new future.

In short, don’t give yourself negative psychological cues, face up to their emotions, accept reality, don’t rush to success, step by step, will always keep the clouds open.

Perhaps your story is not over, fate will let you walk together again, perhaps you will meet new and more suitable people, but the premise is that you should adjust their emotions and mentality as soon as possible, out of pain, everything is possible.

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