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Recently received a fan message in the background, “I have been breaking up with her for 3 months, I always thought I was very open-minded, until some time ago I saw a funny Tiktok, want to share with her, only to realize that she left me… I now every day will brain supplement and her composite picture, emotional tell me to compound, but on the other hand, rational is urging me not to repeat the mistakes of the past, double the pain. So do I have to decide whether to compound or not? ”

At the end of a relationship, many people will come up with the idea of compounding, but always accompanied by strong hesitation – previous disputes, unpleasant conversations, mutual rejection … These factors that led to our break-up do not disappear because of the compound, we all know.

In other words, I could read his confusion and confusion about compounding the matter. In fact, it’s not uncommon in our lives to have compound ideas after a breakup. But even so, why do some people still fall in love with a relationship that has ended, knowing that it might still hurt, but can’t control the idea of wanting to compound?

1.

Why do we always want to compound?

Composite, is a change in the state of the relationship, the two sides in the intimate relationship, after the break-up and then come back together.

Research shows that nearly half of couples have had a complex relationship with their ex after a breakup, and more than 70 percent have had a compounding thought with their predecessor at some point (Halpern-Meekin, et al., 2013). In fact, “composite” is not uncommon. But why can’t people help but want to compound?

Defence against loss.

In a long-term, stable relationship, the two sides gradually form a common “interactive cognitive system” (Harries, Barnier, Sutton, skill, 2014), with many interesting memories, through which two people learn about the world and themselves. But at the moment of the break-up, in the loss of this relationship at the same time, but also lost part of the self.

That’s why breaking up often makes people feel like they’ve lost part of themselves. “Want to compound” is the defence mechanism of “self-loss” and negation of reality. 

The role of emotional inertia.

After the break-up, people will also feel a constant sense of association with each other or pass by the movie theatre they have been to together, or in the restaurant to see before ordering countless dishes, will remind the memory of past feelings, feel still in love with him. This lingering emotional inertia continues to drive people to connect with their predecessors in an attempt to find a compound (Dailey, Jin, Pfiester, s Beck, 2011).

Not only that, but there is a “pure ownership effect” in psychology (Collins, 2016), where people give their predecessors a lot of positive meaning simply because they once had it, such as saying that they think he is the best person in the world for you, that no one can replace him, or that there is no way to meet someone who loves you so much. This illusion of diagnosis from the facts makes one want to compound and not want to come out.

Dissolve the negative emotions of a breakup.

Sometimes compounding is to ease your negative emotions. For example, someone will not be willing to break up, want to compound and dump the other person again, revenge, vent anger, when you see the other person has a new relationship, the inner jealousy will also make people can not help but want to compound to prove themselves, alleviate the negative emotions.

It is for these reasons that many people seek compounding and make unwise decisions that double the pain on both sides. So how do you make the right composite decision?

2.

What kind of compound can we stop missing each other?

First of all, you need to know that “composite” is only the first step in maintaining and developing your relationship, and it’s not easy. Numerous studies have found that the relationship after the break-up can be sustainable and stable, depending on the two sides in the relationship between input and management.

Before you decide to compound, you need to reflect on your motivations for wanting to compound. If you want to compound the motivation, just because you are kidnapped by negative emotions – do not want to face the pain of breaking up, get used to being accompanied, want to prove themselves, want to retaliate against each other, etc., the compound may not be the best choice.

The “right” complex requires both of them to want to have a long-term relationship with each other, and are willing to have the most sincere purpose based on repairing the relationship – simply wanting to re-establish a long-term relationship with the other person (Rusbult, Hannon, Stocker, Finkel, 2005).

Only with such a compound motive, the two sides will have the confidence to repair this relationship, two people can communicate the existing conflict, willing to hold each other’s hands in the future together.

Finally, to say that the occurrence and end of every relationship is a war on memory, and ultimately we all need to carry on with memory.

References:

Collins, H. (2016). Should you get back together with an ex? These 3 things will help you decide. Verilymag

Dailey, R.M., Middleton, A.V., & Green, E.W. (2012). Perceived relational s他bility in on-again/off-againrelationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(1), 52-76.

Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W.D., Giordano, P.C., & Longmore, M.A. (2013). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex. J Adolesc Res., 28(2),166-188.

Harris, C., Barnier, A., Sutton, J., & Keil, P. (2014). Couples associally distributed cognitive systems: Remembering in everyday social and material contexts Memory Studies, 7 (3), 285-297.

Rusbult, C.E., Hannon, P. A., Stocker, S. L., & Finkel, E. J. (2005). Forgiveness and relational repair. Handbook of forgiveness, 185-205.

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