Some time ago, someone left me a message.
“I had sex with my boyfriend, most of them on my own initiative, and I took the initiative three or four times a month and was dismissed as too pornographic. I do not take the initiative on a month or two, once I bet gas, do not take the initiative, a month and a half only once. I really doubt my charm, I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore. ”
The confiding of married men:
“When my wife and I used to live together in love, I had sex almost every day except in the days when she came to menstruation, and we all felt great about each other. But after getting married and having children, I felt like I was being snubbed, and at first, she just became very little action, and then we had little sex, and a lot of the time I had to settle it myself. She doesn’t necessarily refuse my sexual demands, but if I don’t, she never asks, even if it’s a hint. But see she has no will at all, and I don’t want to force it. I really don’t think she loves me anymore. After all, sex is also an important part of the relationship. Doesn’t that mean that a person loves or doesn’t love you, you know it in bed? ”
I’ve seen a lot of problems like this. For sex, this is full of mystery, but also happened to everyone in the general behaviour, but we are always covered up, difficult to speak out.
Today we’re going to have a serious chat about the connection between sex and intimacy.
A decrease in the frequency of sex, which doesn’t mean he doesn’t love us? Representing our decline in charm?
Before analyzing this, I would like to start with a psychological knowledge of sexuality.
There are differences in the motivation and frequency of sexual needs, regardless of gender.
It is very normal for one party to want, one party not to want, to want different frequencies, and to have different durations of libido.
As a result, this is not enough to affect the emotional lives of two people.
But many people will still think that this is “sexual disharmony”.
In some people’s hearts, a partner’s sexual impulses against him can make him feel loved.
On the other hand, if the other party is not impulsive, on the face of it his desires are not satisfied.
For a deeper reason, he did not feel loved and the need for love was not met.
So, he would wonder if he did it twice a month if he didn’t love it if he wasn’t sexually attractive.
Sex is not the only test of love, sex and love have a certain relationship, but not proportional.
Simply put, sexual harmony does not mean that love must be very strong, love is very strong and not representative of certain harmony.
One party’s decreased libido is not necessarily a loss of love for you, nor is it a decrease in your sexual attractiveness, but a difference in sexual needs between men and women.
At the beginning of an intimate relationship, the two sides are like dry firewood encountering a fire, it is easy to ignite.
This is because levels of a hormone called oxytocin to rise in both bodies, and people who see like them are prone to sexual impulses, often exceeding their normal libido levels.
But over time, these oxytocin levels naturally decline. When both men return to normal levels of libido, differences in sexual needs between the two men become apparent.
For women, their sexual needs are cyclical.
The first seven days of the physiological period are the ovulation period of girls, during which the female desire is the strongest, the physiological period after eight days is safe, fertility decline, libido levels also decreased.
When girls have strong physiological desires, men have a higher success rate of courting.
When a girl has no desire, even if she convinces herself to have sex with her boyfriend, it is difficult to enjoy it, and the quality of sex decreases.
Physiologically speaking, the result of this non-natural selective sex can also reduce the rate of conception.
This is one of the reasons why many couples do not get pregnant after losing their real desire.
When a boy courtesy his girlfriend, she doesn’t say yes, not because she doesn’t love boys, it’s probably just because her desires weren’t that strong.
In terms of age, there are also differences in sexual desire spikes between men and women.
Before the age of 30, men’s desire is in a period of exuberance, when men are in a state of an active attack, hate to stick to their girlfriends all the time.
As long as a woman wants it, he basically won’t say no.
And women’s desire at this time is mostly still in the hazy period, libido is not so strong.
As a result, after the age of 30, the situation on both sides of the sexual needs will be opposed.
After the age of 30, the concentration of testosterone in men decreases and libido begins to decrease. At the same time, due to increased work pressure, family burden, slow blood flow throughout the body, muscle tension decreased, “ability” will also be reduced, the duration is shortened.
After the age of 30, the libido develops completely and begins to become vigorous, at which point women are more likely to be active.
We often get complaints from women: “Before he chased me every day to have sex, I hate it too much, and after 30 years, our identity swap, become I watch him in bed every day, looking forward to him to send me an invitation to love, but now the frequency, too low …”
There are also differences in the manifestations of sexual desire between men and women.
Due to the difference in libido age, the sexual contradiction between men and women is highlighted again.
See a message on the Internet said: “I and my husband together for six years, a month is four or five times, he is not so willing to ask for, last night pulled his underwear, he is a little afraid.” ”
Most of the men’s sexual impulses are spontaneous physiological instincts, while women’s sexual impulses are mostly induced behaviours, such as caressing, hugging, kissing, etc.
Men and women also have different weights of sexual and emotional intimacy.
Most men feel that sexual and physical intimacy is more important than emotional intimacy.
Most women feel that emotional connection, love, and warmth are more important than sex.
As a result, men want to connect with sex when they feel alienated from their partner.
Women often need to feel love for each other before they want to have sex.
The problem between the sexes is even more so: men want to use sex as a way to reconnect, and women want to change the atmosphere of their relationship first.
Not only these, sex and real-life environment are equally related, including work, life, children, parents and so on will have an impact on sexual relations.
So it’s too one-sided to simply use sex to measure whether love is love or not and whether there is sexual attraction.
Build deep intimacy, not just sex
Some people say: “Men love because of sex, women because of love and sex.” “There is no scientific basis for this view.
Both men and women, building deep intimacy, can not rely solely on sex.
I share two important dimensions of intimacy:
（1） First there is emotional intimacy, the second is physical intimacy.
According to the theory of the love triangle, love is composed of three elements: intimacy, passion and loyalty.
Often can grow old in vain, is the passion fades after there is still a high intimacy and high loyalty of the companionship of love.
In Heidi’s Sexology Report, an old man says, “At 70, knowing that I’m getting closer to death and forgetting, I’m becoming more aware of the nature of human loneliness and more eager to have a warm and intimate relationship with another person.” Sexual pleasure and orgasm are still pleasant, but the psychological comfort of hugging, kissing, and fondling is much more important than in the past. ”
It can be seen that in addition to sex, intimate relationships also need love, attention, recognition, security, permission, value.
Warmth and soul resonance are far better than orgasms.
When girls judge whether they can have sex, the most important thing is acceptance and security.
In other words, if you can’t give a girl a sense of security, then a girl can’t really get involved when she’s in a relationship with you.
Because of the process of sex, women are more like containers to accept a man’s invasion.
If a woman does not have enough security, acceptance and trust in this man, she will not be able to “open the door for the king from now on”.
In psychologists’ research, orgasms often occur when a woman has a high degree of security and connection with her partner, so a stable relationship is also important.
The survey found that 67 percent of women reach orgasm if the other partner is their stable partner.
If the other party has done more than 4 times, then only 34% of women can reach orgasm;
Only 16% of women were able to reach orgasm if they had only done it two or three times, and no more than 10% of women would have reached orgasm if they had done it for the first time.
Sex is not about skills, objects, but about our intimacy with each other.
Sex and love complement each other and are indispensable.
After reading today’s article, we really want to change the “more times sex, the better the intimacy” such a thought.
Because there are so many differences between men and women in sex, it’s not easy to find someone who’s at the same pace as them.
So what matters is not the frequency, but the sincere communication between the two sides on the sexual needs. Through communication, so that sex and love to achieve the perfect combination.
Studies have also shown that the more people can communicate positively with their partners, the higher the satisfaction with intimacy.
Good sex is like having a dream, wake up happy, but do not feel tired and uncomfortable, will look forward to the next such dream can still come.
With this feeling, I believe that everyone is willing to work for it. Hope that every couple of lovers can find their best sex frequency in communication, together to explore the best life experience that belongs to you alone!
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