Couples in love, couples get along, there will always be quarrels.
Sometimes, because there is no clear explanation of the misunderstanding;
Sometimes, because of lack of care and lack of understanding;
Sometimes it’s because opinions and habits don’t agree…
A very small matter, you can make a big noise.
After the quarrel will regret, feel that there is no need to quarrel for small things, and then want to make up.
But in the face of the deadlock after the quarrel, although the heart would like to make peace, but do not want to bow their heads first, first admit defeat, always hope that the other side can first admit mistakes, take the initiative to coax you.
As a result, the impasse slowly evolved into a cold war, or even a breakup.
Have you ever had the above experience, after the quarrel want to be fast and good, but can not put down face, do not know how to break the deadlock?
Let me tell you what to do.
1. 4 principles that couples cannot violate when quarrelling
To avoid irreversible consequences such as break-ups, be sure to follow these principles:
1, do not hurt people
There are two types of non-injury: one is not to use violence to hurt people, scold each other or throw objects, the other is not to use language to hurt people, personal attacks or insults to the other side, harsh words trampling on the dignity of the other side.
2.Not the cold war
Calming the two sides for a moment after a quarrel is conducive to a better solution to the problem, but calm is not equal to the cold war, calm means that the two sides after emotional stability to communicate again, and the cold war refers to the use of cold violence to carry out a heart-wringing, in fact, worsen the contradiction.
Don’t deliberately offend the other person’s bottom line because you’re angry about a fight. For example, intentionally being intimate with other people of the opposite sex, disclosing each other’s privacy, smearing each other in front of relatives and friends, etc.
4.Do not shirk responsibility
Don’t get angry because of the quarrel, just put all the responsibility behind you. For example, as soon as you get angry, you walk away, leave the other party alone and helpless, or deliberately “strike”, stop the responsibility and pay, “punish” the other party to endure the suffering that should be borne by both sides.
Occasional quarrels between couples can not be avoided, but do not violate some principled problems, the small contradictions escalated to the extent of mutual harm, mutual torture, otherwise even if lucky and good, will leave a knot.
Second, the “5-step method” to help you quarrel quickly and well
When the quarrel has become a fact, what to say and what should not be said all blurted out, bad temper all vented, two people have been deadlocked, how to save the deadlock?
Here’s what to teach everyone about the 5-step method and get back to it quickly.
Step 1: A truce calms down
When people are angry and sad, they are often irrational and hot-headed.
A quarrel can confuse your mind and cause a lot of unexpected “confusion” with more serious consequences than a fight, so the first thing to do when you quarrel is to calm down first.
First and the other side truce, take a deep breath to adjust the mood, let their mentality calm down, rather than continue to “mess around”, expand disputes and “war.”
The most afraid of quarrel is that both people forget why quarrel at first, quarrel to the end just to vent their emotions, in order to quarrel and quarrel.
Step 2: Think again
What needs to be done after calming down is to resume the process of quarrelling, what you have said, what you have done, and carefully recall how you two can’t help but “explode” step by step.
Think about what the other person’s anger is by re-trading the details before and after the other person’s emotions break out.
Is it because things are not done well, or is it because your attitude in the course of the incident has angered the other person?
If the thing itself is not done well, then what is the result the other person wants, why did you not do it well?
If you have a problem with your attitude, how does your attitude bring negative feelings to the other person?
Then in the same way, think about how he annoys you.
Only by trying to understand this can you find the core problem and solution to this quarrel.
Step 3: Admit your mistakes
After the quarrel has been resumed, you should have a preliminary conclusion about where you are not doing well.
For their own not to do a good place, we must assume the corresponding responsibility, bravely to the other side to admit mistakes, do not say “I can not put the sub” and so on, know that mistakes are the most basic quality of life.
Just because you admit a mistake doesn’t mean you compromise or lose first, it doesn’t mean you’re humble, it’s that you dare to take on a place where you’re not acting properly.
You can say this:
“I really didn’t look at your face at dinner that day, I didn’t know you were feeling well so I ordered a lot of peppers (specific things), I’m sorry I was too careless to take care of your feelings (admitting your mistake), but I hope you don’t think too much, I actually care about you, that day is really because the work is too tired, I am not very good (explain why), the next time I encounter this situation I must communicate with you first (give a promise).
Admit the wrong need to be meticulous, to make clear exactly what is wrong, how to change, rather than just generally say “I know wrong, give me another chance”, it seems insincere.
Step 4: Make steps
After a quarrel, both sides need a step to better break the deadlock, and there are several common ways to create steps.
1.Petite show weak law
This method applies to people who don’t value their face so much, and uses the “trickle-down” way to make the other person happy and actively reconcile.
For example, deliberately play poor “accidentally cut hands” “sick hanging bottle”, or with a petite tone said “my heart is really uncomfortable, if you can coax me”, so petite show weakness, even if the other side does not come to coax you immediately, will break the deadlock with you, care about you.
You can also be simpler and rougher, directly “kiss and hug high”, a sweet words “I love you” “I miss you”.
2.Pretend to be silly
Pretend that nothing happened, or talk to him as usual, and if he ignores you, pretend to be innocent: “What’s wrong with you?” “Why don’t you ignore me?” “You’re not going to get angry, are you?” , or deliberately tell a joke, to make the atmosphere easier, sticking to him to make him laugh.
As the name suggests, this method is to praise him hard, give him a high hat, let him be embarrassed to continue to be angry. For example, you can say, “Your temper is the best, you’re not going to get angry,” “You’re the best at me, you’re not going to ignore me,” “I know you hurt me the most”, and so on, boasting that he can’t stand it.
4.Transfer attention method
You can deliberately make excuses, ask him to eat together, go shopping, walk, etc., or deliberately find trouble to get him to help, increase the chances of two people getting along, and gradually break the gap.
5.Practical action law
If the above method, let you feel embarrassed, these words you are shy to say not to say, then only practical action.
After a quarrel, do nothing, act in silence, for example, take the initiative to organize the housework, make a big dinner, help him pour a cup of hot tea, or give him a favorite gift.
Step 5: Solve the problem
After the first 4 steps, the most critical step is to sit down calmly and talk about how to solve the problem.
What are your contradictions, how the quarrels happen, why are you angry, what do you want each other to do… Each of them steps back and finds a mutually acceptable solution.
What’s more, in the course of the conversation, you have to fully tell your feelings and thoughts, what you can’t accept the other person’s behavior, which is your bottom line… Don’t hold it in your heart, you must let the other person know your needs clearly, so as to avoid the next time two people have a similar quarrel, affect feelings.
Truce calm, reconsideration, admit mistakes, create steps, solve problems, this is the quarrel after breaking the deadlock of the “five-step method”, through their own calm reflection, and further guide the other side to restore the mentality, and finally reached the result of two people to return to good, and jointly resolve the contradiction.
The rational use of the “5-step method” in love can also avoid a lot of unnecessary quarrels between lovers, so that the relationship between two people more harmonious and loving.
Have you learned?